"Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
Lord, I'm trying not be be worried, anxious or upset by the rejection of my second visa application. Like the bold friend in Luke 11 and the persistent widow in Luke 18, I will keep knocking. I will keep praying and petitioning and begging for this document that will allow me to live in Italy for more than 90 days. But above all else, I beg for your will to be done. God, whatever happens, you are good and glorious and sovereign and holy. You know the number of my days and every hair on my head and you have carried me all my life. I know you are faithful.
I don't know why I've been applying for this visa for a solid two months. I don't know if this means "wait" or "stop" or "go somewhere else." All I know is that few things in my life have felt as right or clear as being assigned to Italy. I just feel an almost surreal peace about it. An excitement for it. Is that wrong? If God wants me somewhere else, I will go. But where? People need Jesus everywhere. I know that. I believe that. But I also believe that God prepares our hearts to live and serve where He wants us, according to His plan and His will. I refuse to doubt His leadership and His guidance and the good work He has been doing in my life.
"...being confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6
After getting my application back in the mail yesterday and talking to my logistics coordinator and being a bit downcast and praying, God was so sweet and tender in bringing so many promises from His Word to mind. So here's what I prayer journaled last night:
Dear Lord,
"I am still confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. WAIT FOR THE LORD. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27). Lord, whatever comes my way, I will trust you. I will wait for your signal, for your timing. I do feel discouraged and disappointed and sad and scared that my visa application was rejected again. I'm afraid of being reassigned. I love my team already and I love the idea of getting to use art to share your love with Italians.
Do you not want me there? No. It isn't fair for me to doubt your love and your faithfulness and your calling. "Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9). I know that's true. You are with your people. You live inside me. I want to abide in you. Deeply. And even though it is hard in the midst of uncertainty, "I sing in the shadow of your wings." (Go read all of Psalm 63. Right now!!) Oh Lord, my body does thirst for you and my soul longs for you. I just want more of you. I'm sorry for getting caught up in praising an assignment in a country more than you, the Author and Perfecter of my faith.
But now what would you have me do? "Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul...Teach me your will for you are my God; may your good spirit lead me on level ground" (Psalm 143).
I know how intimately you know me. "Search me, Oh God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts" (Psalm 139).
You have, and rightly so, been humbling me these last two months. "Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5). Humble me Lord. And please take my cares and fears and anxieties. Take them. Please take them away. Take this visa. It's yours. I give it to you. Take my life, my will, my plans, everything.
Please, Lord, tell me what to do next. "Teach me your way, Oh Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me and undivided heart that I may fear your name" (Psalm 86). Show me your way and your will and help me love you more exclusively. Rid me of myself and my pride.
Help me rest in this command and promise: "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in all the earth" (Psalm 46:10)
I pray for each of you reading this as well...that whatever you are anxious about and whatever you are waiting for...that you would turn it over to Him. I promise my God is big enough and omniscient and wise and sovereign enough to handle it, according to HIS will.
"Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life" (Philippians 4:6-7, The Message).
