this ain't Burger King...

Is that even Burger King's slogan anymore? 

"Have it your way."

If we're honest, that's what we all want...isn't it? We want it our way...we want what we want when we want it and how we want it.

But (again, still being transparent with ourselves here) do we really know what we want? And if we think we do, are we sure it's what we really need? Are we sure it's what's best?

We live in a me-centered, self-satisfying, find-what-feels-good world. We want what's comfortable and convenient. What tastes good. What feels good. What affirms me. What satisfies me. What works for me.

But what if I'm not the center of my own universe? What if I lived as if that were true? Would I love people better? Would I admit that there is a truth outside of what suits me in my life right now? Would I see that there's something bigger than me and my maximum of 90-or-so years on this Earth?

Would I realize it's not about me?

What if there was a bigger picture? An infinite plan? What if there was a Being that created the tiniest self-replicating cells in the smallest organism as well as Mount Everest, the oceans, Jupiter and Neptune? What if this Being were all-knowing and all-powerful and perfect?

What if He were also personal? Relational? Loving?

Ok, a perfect, wise, loving Creator. Maybe we can cope with that. In fact, that sounds pretty good.

But are we willing to admit we don't deserve the love of One so flawless? 

"Sure, I make mistakes. But I'm a good person."

{There is no one righteous, not even one... -Romans 3:10}

What if we aren't good enough to be in the presence of a King? What if our imperfectness is filthy in His sight? What if we are like mud-smudged, rag-wearing peasants in the presence of royalty?

"That's offensive. I'm not dirty or poor. I haven't done anything abominable."

What if you weren't just dirty? What if you were dead?

"Dead? Really? I have breath in my lungs. I can run and laugh and eat and work. I'm healthy. I'm fine."

{As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins...gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath... -Ephesians 2:1-3}

What if that's true? Would we humble ourselves? Would we admit we needed help? Needed saving?

{But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved... -Ephesians 2:4-5}

So maybe we can admit that there's a God. That He created the world. Maybe we can even admit that we're not perfect. That something inside is missing. Not whole. Not satisfied. Dead. But can we believe that He really loved us enough to offer us life? That He died in our place so that we could live?

{I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full... John 10:10}

Ok, if that sounds at least somewhat acceptable so far, what about this:

{Jesus answered, 'I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.' John 14:6}

"Hold up. That's the ONLY way? Just one way? One road? One plan?"

{Small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it... Matthew 7:14}

"Nope. Nuh uh. I don't like that. That's way to exclusive. I thought this was a God of love. Shouldn't he be more accepting? Couldn't he have come up with a better way? I've got some ideas of my own, God...Here's how I think it should be done..."

{Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom... Proverbs 1:7}

Maybe none of this is too hard for you to digest because you believe it. But even if you believe that Jesus died for you, had the power to come back to life and is even now seated at the right hand of the Father...even if you go to church and "do what you're supposed to do"...even if you truly have a relationship with Him (with all the indescribable joy and future hope that goes along with it)...

Are you still trying to have it your way?

Here's the story that a member of our Italian church read during the service last Sunday that convicted me...It's a story of an army commander named Naaman who had leprosy and came to the prophet Elisha to be cured:

{Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, 'Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.' But Naaman went away angry and said, 'I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy.' -2 Kings 5:10-11}

Do you feel like that?

"No, God. That's ridiculous. You're wrong. I know a better way. It should happen like this...My plan is better."

{'My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thought that your thoughts.' -Isaiah 55:8-9}

By the way, Naaman eventually did what Elisha said and he was cured of his leprosy. 

He, like so many other biblical figures, tried to have it his way (remember what happened when Abraham and Sarah were promised a child but didn't want to wait for God to provide?).

But it just doesn't work that way.

"I want this...I prefer it that way...It's just not meeting my needs...I would be so much happier if...I wish..."

"I deserve a pay raise...I should have a job I'm not overqualified for by now...Life should look like this...Church should be done this way...Worship should be done that way...He should serve me...I should get what I want when I want it and how I say I want it."

Pause.

Deep breath.

Repeat after me:

"It's not about me."

If your life is not about you, who is it about?

If you were not the center of your universe, how would your life be different?

satisfied?

I used to love romantic comedies.

I've seen more than my fair share of them. I loved curling up on the couch and eating a way too generous portion of something sweet. It is escapism at its best: being carried away by a story in which all the loose ends are tied up around a nice little package of confectioner's sugar labeled "Happily Ever After."

For most of my childhood (yes, childhood...as one example, I somehow convinced my parents to take me and my 5-year-old brother to see Titanic when it came out in theaters when I was 7) and teenage years, and even through college, I can see now how my perception and definition of love was derived almost exclusively from chick flicks. 

I almost threw up in my mouth a little to admit that. But it's true. And I think it's still true for a lot of people. And I'm still a recovering RomCom-aholic. 

And perhaps the worst part is that I was almost entirely unaware of the fact until a few years ago. I remember the first time the thought entered my mind that this sort of entertainment could even be considered detrimental was when a friend described chick flicks as "female porn." That may seem extreme, but think about it: In the same way that pornography appeals to men (and women) on a visual and sexual level, chick flicks feed women's (and men's) emotional cravings for companionship and intimacy.

So what happens if our ideas about love and sex come solely from movies and pop culture? Here's a completely non-exhaustive list of unrealistic expectations:

1. The goal is the get-together (the film ends when the lovers finally figure everything out and skip off into the proverbial sunset)

2. Even if said "get-together" involves abandoning another to be with "the right one," it's okay because the protagonists were "meant to be together."

3. Being with that special someone is the only thing that will truly make you happy (cue The Beatles, "All You Need is Love")

4. That special someone will look like Ryan Reynolds or Henry Cavill and will absolutely ooze wit and charm.

And on top of these things that characterize the "cuter," "sweeter," "more innocent" RomComs, it seems that society has become appropriately disillusioned with puppy love alone and so, in the name of protecting hearts, they've decided it's easier to just use each other for sex. (Anyone seen Friends with Benefits or No Strings Attached?)

In fact, I watched a movie last night (remember, I labeled myself as "recovering") in which one of the characters was describing her last failed relationship: "I mistook sex for love...It was fun!" Wow, what a great message.

I'll refrain from spending more than two sentences on 50 Shades of Grey because there is already a superfluity of articles flying around Facebook concerning this controversial pop culture phenomenon, but has humanity really sunk so low as to desire what boils down to little more than manipulation and abuse in its attempt to gratify longings for sex and love? However, I feel I am not authorized to say much more than that, having not read the book and having no intention of seeing the movie.

This isn't meant to be a bitter diatribe. I'm not bitter. I'm sad. I'm sad because I can see what such messages have done to my views on love and how they have impacted so many of my friends, whether or not they realize it. I've seen too many people I love caught up in on-again-off-again relationships or "serial dating" in their never-ending search for a version of love that doesn't exist.

It's so easy to get carried away. By life. By society's definition of "normal." By desires. By what feels good. But "going with the flow" can take you over a waterfall or, at the very least, through some pretty serious rapids, without a healthy dose of self awareness.

What are you searching for? What are you chasing after? What do you want?

I want chocolate. I love chocolate. It makes me happy. It tastes good. My stomach literally just growled. 

There's half a homemade chocolate cake in the kitchen, and I know for a fact how decadently delicious it is. But if I go in there right now with a fork and devour the whole thing in one sitting, I'm going to make myself sick. More than that, there's no protein or nutritional value, so if that's all I ate today I would still be hungry. And if I make a habit of eating large amounts of cake on a daily basis, it will produce noticeable and undesirable results. 

That may seem like a cliche example, but doesn't the same principle apply to so many other things in life? I won't bother with specifics; a little self-examination will reveal what it looks like in your own life.

But it is so obvious to me how I and so many others have tried and failed to fill and satiate and satisfy our hunger with the cotton candy version of love flaunted by films and other forms of fiction. I mean, speaking practically, when I am truly hungry, I don't want cotton candy, a sugar cookie or chocolate cake. Personally, I want something like a grilled chicken salad with a sweet potato on the side.

In the same way that chocolate may taste good in the moment but isn't doing anything to truly nourish my body, so it goes with the world's version of "love." The chocolate cake in the kitchen cannot satisfy me. Neither has any boyfriend I've ever had ever been able do. Nor will my husband one day, if I ever get married. Nor will any job or hobby or any other thing I enjoy. 

(Not that almost anything in moderation and in its proper context is inherently bad: "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17)

We're human. We all have cravings and desires and longings. We get hungry and thirsty. We get tired. We want things that are bad for us. We indulge in the temporary and feast on the fleeting.

How are you satisfying your hunger and thirst? What are you resting in?

As always, this is getting to be longer than I originally intended, and there are so many verses relating to these thoughts that I could expound upon. However, I think I'll just list them and pray you read them slowly and allow them to speak to you in their own way:

" The woman said to the serpent, 'We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, "You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die."'

'You will not certainly die,' the serpent said to the woman. 'For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.'

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves." (Genesis 3:2-7)

"...Sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7)

"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare." (Isaiah 55:2)

"He who works his land will have abundant food, but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty." (Proverbs 28:19)

"Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for me, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." (Psalm 107:8-9)

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water...My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you." (Psalm 63:1, 5)

"When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me." (Hosea 13:6)

"She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them....She decked herself with rings and jewelry and went after her lovers, but me she forgot." (Hosea 2:7, 13)

"All man's efforts are for his mouth, yet his appetite is never satisfied...This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." (Ecclesiastes 6:7, 9)

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." (Matthew 5:6)

"Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" (John 5:13-14)

"Then Jesus declared, 'I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.'" (John 6:35)

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." (John 15:9-13)

"'In that day,' declares the Lord, 'you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master'...'I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.'" (Hosea 2:16, 19)

And because sometimes the Message has an interesting way of phrasing things, here's its version of 1 Corinthians 13:

"Love never gives up. 
Love cares more for others than for self. 
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. 
Love doesn’t strut, 
Doesn’t have a swelled head, 
Doesn’t force itself on others, 
Isn’t always “me first,” 
Doesn’t fly off the handle, 
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, 
Doesn’t revel when others grovel, 
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 
Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, 
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end."

Give me that over some puffed up, fluffy Hollywood version of romance any day.

Happy Anniversary!!!

Whoa.

Today is my one-year anniversary of living in Rome. 

On January 8, 2014, my overnight flight landed in the city and country I'd been praying to go to for over a year. I think the sweet Italian preteen next to me probably thought I was insane for bouncing up and down in my seat and leaning over her to take in the views of hills and mountains and sea as the plane descended into the Fiumicino Airport.

We recently returned from a short trip to Spain, which was beautiful and exciting and tougher than I expected as things seemed to just fall apart when we got to Seville. Instead of the vacation we expected (there's that recurring theme of expectations vs. reality again), we found an apartment with no heat or hot water, a space-heater that blew a fuse, a Spanish stranger in our house during the power outage, technicians (who apparently had keys to the apartment where we were staying) fixing the heat/hot water situation until 1 a.m., limited means of communication to organize meeting up with our sweet Italian friend who decided to join us in Seville, and eating dinner in a Chinese restaurant on New Year's Eve because literally everything else was closed (because apparently in Seville it's a day for family...honestly I cannot describe the ghost town that this vibrant city transformed into by about 8 p.m.)

So after our delightful dinner, people finally started emerging from their houses and heading to the main plaza to partake in the New Year's grape-popping tradition (at midnight, Spaniards eat one grape for each chime of the clock). Oh and by the way, that was humorous in an of itself because there we were with our grapes, ready to bring in the New Year....and the clock only dongs four times. And just stops. So everyone kind of looks around confusedly, shrugs, and just starts eating their grapes and kissing each other.

But before the somewhat anticlimactic initiation of 2015, Courtney asked us all what was our favorite moment of 2014. Immediately, countless amazing, challenging, memorable moments ran through my brain. How could I pick just one?

It was the year I moved overseas...to a totally different culture...farther than I've ever been from my family and all things familiar. It was the year I learned a new language. I have been humbled by that experience and so many others this year. I've learned a lot about my stress behaviors and how they're just not pretty. I have been heartsick. I've been homesick. I've been physically sick. I've felt like an idiot. I've felt unworthy and unwanted. I've made so many mistakes. I've been lonely.

But I've also been rendered breathless by the beauty of this nation, these people, this continent...the wonders of God's creation and how His Spirit is moving. I've gotten to take in the view from Italian mountaintops and hilltown towers. I've seen the beautiful diversity of German, Spanish and Italian architecture. I swam in the Mediterranean Sea. I stood mere meters from masterpieces...da Vinci's The Last Supper, many works by Caravaggio, several of Bernini's sculptures, the Sistine Chapel. I've seen the ruins of Pompeii and ancient Rome. I've seen the city by motorino and on quiet, magical midnight bike rides (ya know, before our bikes were stolen...). I taught in a university English class and I gave the welcome at my Italian church. I translated for my parents in Tuscany. I've had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know so many beautiful people. I've seen people open the Bible for the first time. I have worshiped in foreign languages. I've felt more desperately needy for the Bread of Life and Living Water than ever before. I've been burned by the refining fire and beat into shape on the Potter's wheel (though let's face it, I'm still little more than an unseemly lump of clay). I have seen "the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 27:13).

I have to remind myself of these miraculous things on the mundane days (and there are many). I get exhausted by the emotional roller coaster and spiritual battlefield this year has been. That may sound dramatic, but it is what it is. I invite you to leap so far out of your comfort zone that you experience it for yourself.

But through it all, through the mountains and valleys of this year and this life, He has been constant and sovereign and so good.

And just because this song (Not for a Moment by Meredith Andrews) is so appropriately playing as I write this, I'll share these lyrics with you:

You were reaching through the storm 
Walking on the water 
Even when I could not see 
In the middle of it all 
When I thought You were a thousand miles away 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

[Chorus]
After all You are constant 
After all You are only good 
After all You are sovereign 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

[Verse 2]
You were singing in the dark 
Whispering Your promise 
Even when I could not hear 
I was held in Your arms 
Carried for a thousand miles to show 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

[Chorus]

And every step every breath you are there 
Every tear every cry every prayer 
In my hurt at my worst 
When my world falls down 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
[Chorus]
Not for a moment will You forsake me

Love it.

Gosh do I have to remind myself of that constantly. Because sometimes I don't live like I believe that He will "never leave or forsake" me (Joshua 1:5). Even now, as I know I'm over halfway through this two-year journey and aware of the need to plan for the future, I worry and stress and fear for the next step. Because I don't know what it is. And that's hard.

But this has been a recurring verse for me lately: (and really...how often is a verse from Job recurring and encouraging...totally a God thing)

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." -Job 42:2

I may not know exactly what the plan is, but I know it can't be thwarted. And I know that it is for my good and His glory.

So as this week in particular has been one characterized by a downcast, discouraged, disquieted soul, I find rest and comfort and truth in His Word and His presence and just in HIM. And I go back to a verse I'm sure I have quoted here several times before but that is a reminder to shut up, to let go, to let Him be who He is...the Great I AM...that He will fill the whole earth with His glory. And it will be irrefutable. And someday there will be marvelous, joyous, all-in, sold-out worship.

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth." -Psalm 46:10

Happy New Year, everyone! Buon anno a tutti voi :)

thankful.

Because I'm a lover of words...I'll start this post, as I have started others (and as I tend to start our English discussion groups), with a definition:

thanksgiving

[thangks-giv-ing]  

• Examples 
• Word Origin 

noun

1.

the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, especially to God.

2.

an expression of thanks, especially to God.

3.

a public celebration in acknowledgment of divine favor or kindness.

4.

a day set apart for giving thanks to God.

5.

(initial capital letter) Thanksgiving Day.

I like the idea of "giving thanks." Because it's not just a state of being grateful. It's an active expression of appreciation for the many ways we've been blessed.

We always have a Thanksgiving worship service at my church back home, and I think it's really beautiful how my pastor brings out a microphone and people throughout the sanctuary say what they're thankful for. 

Actually, I'll never forget how my friend said one year, "This may sound weird, but I'm thankful for hardships." He went on to say that even the seemingly "bad" things--the struggles--had been a blessing because they had brought him closer to the Lord. Something to chew on.

Anyway, this Thanksgiving was quite unique for me in many ways. For one thing, I kicked it off by meeting an Italian friend for coffee. So, yeah...definitely never spent Thanksgiving in a foreign country with the first words out of my mouth in the morning being in a foreign language. So that's new.

But aside from the whole extremity of living in a foreign country, this was the first night before Thanksgiving I didn't go with my whole family to see a movie...It's the first Thanksgiving morning I haven't woken up to Mom telling me to hurry up and come downstairs because the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is starting...It's the first year I haven't had TWO ridiculously large and delicious meals to gobble up (pun intended)...It was the first year I've had to take part in the cooking (my amazing Grandmothers always have that under control)...It was the first year I didn't help my grandparents decorate their Christmas tree, put candles in their windows, hang that plastic mistletoe in the living room doorway, and turn out the lights to "ooooh" and "aaaah" at the finished product while Bing Crosby crooned in the background.

So on Thanksgiving (and I'm sure I'll also feel this way at Christmas) I did so deeply miss my family and friends. I missed Grammy's pumpkin cake and Nanny's sweet potatoes and stuffing. I missed getting to love on my little cousins and holding my baby cousin (who I've never actually met in person). I missed the southern accents and the love and the laughter.

But I wouldn't trade the texts I got from Italian friends that morning wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving (even though that Thursday is just another day for them, really). Thanks to technology, I was able to watch a live stream of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I wouldn't trade getting to hang out with Italian friends and having dinner with the fellow American ex-pats and followers of Christ who have become such a huge part of my life. FaceTime even allowed me to see my mom's side of the family at lunch and my dad's side at dinner from six time zones away. 

I also hosted my first Thanksgiving party the day after, so Courtney and I got to introduce this American tradition to about 20 of our closest Italian, British and German friends. So I wouldn't trade the six hours of food and conversation and games and laughter either. 

I love how I've always spent Thanksgiving in the past...so many wonderful traditions that are close to my heart and make me feel so at home. 

But I also love how I got to spend it this year. Tradition is great, but change isn't always a bad thing. Life shouldn't be stagnant. Nor should faith. Nor can it, I think, if it is a faith in Someone whose "love is better than life" (Psalm 63) and with whom you have an ever-deepening relationship.

Although where I live and what I do is presumably outside of most people's definition of "normal" and "comfortable," I'm thankful for all the people in my life who I never would have met had I not stepped out of my comfort zone.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm so thankful for the many individuals I have the privilege of loving, from my supportive family back home to my supervisor's daughters that I get to snuggle up with to watch Disney movies to European friends who have become so inexpressibly dear to me in a relatively short period of time.

Ah. I feel more thankful just by expressing my thankfulness. There's something to be said for this whole "giving thanks" thing...

And now that my first international Thanksgiving is over, it's completely socially acceptable to start playing Christmas music now...right? Hope so, because it's playing on Spotify as I write this ;)

And I'll end with this verse, which is such a great example of how we should live...

"Be joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances. For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Love y'all!

sense & sensibility

Tim Keller has been a significant part of my life lately.

First, I read his book, The Prodigal God (see blog post from June 14). Then I met him a few months ago when he came to speak in Rome. The theme of a recent church retreat was his article "The Missional Church." Now I've just finished reading The Reason for God.

I enjoy reading. And I appreciate writings like this that are thought provoking and convicting and compelling...that speak to me on a mental, spiritual and emotional level...that appeal to my rationality as well as my sentimentality. 

Because this life is a journey and a learning process, and I don't think I'll ever get sick of learning more about God and how I relate to Him. In fact, the more I learn about Him through reading His Word and commentaries on it, the hungrier I am for it. For Him. The more I spend time with Him in prayer, the more I want to.

It brings to mind a line from Romeo and Juliet:

"And yet I wish but for the thing I have:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,The more I have, for both are infinite."

My God is both infinite and intimate. And His Story is strong and complex and intricate enough to be both deserving of scholarly scrutiny and able to hold up beneath historical and philosophical and theological dissection. Yet it is simple enough for a child to accept.

"But Jesus called for them, saying, 'Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.'" (Luke 18:16-17)

Now, according to the Myers-Briggs personality test, I am a little more of a "thinker" than a "feeler." So maybe the first half of The Reason for God (with all its arguments and counterarguments and rationalizing though questions and debunking doubts about God) should have appealed to me more. And it was really interesting to reason through the belief in the existence of a creator and redeemer. It was intriguing to investigate tough, legitimate questions like...

"How can there be only one true religion?"
"How could a good God allow suffering?"
"How can a loving God send people to Hell?"
"How can you believe in God when science seems to disprove His existence?"

(If any of these questions peak your interest, read the book and we can talk about it. Or ask me and I'll get you a copy in English or Italian).

But I have to admit, I didn't really enjoy the first half as much as the second. I got a bit bogged down and overloaded with 118 pages of attempts to reason away disbelief. Because at a certain point, you just have to throw in the towel and realize it's not all about proof! You can't prove, with tangible, incontrovertible evidence that a supernatural, unseen God is real. You also can't prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that He isn't. 

Even doubt requires a leap of faith. 

Because you may be so set on the fact that there could not be an ultimate creator who came to earth in human form to take the fall for us and that the only way to this "heaven" place is to surrender your life to him.

But what if you're wrong?

What if your disbelief determined your eternity? 

Okay, there's just too much in this book for me to possibly babble about everything I got out of it. So without entering any of the great theological debates (I'll leave that for Tim Keller to do in his own published words), here's how the second half of the book spoke to me:

1. One legitimate argument for the existence of God is that we have the ability to reason at all. Let's face it. Our brains are pretty miraculous. We are "above" every other living creature (we "run the world") because we have the capacity for mental analysis and creativity and extreme emotion and deep love. 

How could that have just happened, ya know? 

In Chapter 8, "The Clues of God," Keller says, "If we believe God exists, then our view of the universe gives us a basis for believing that cognitive faculties work, since God could make us able to form true beliefs and knowledge...All the things that we see make perfect sense. Also, if God exist our intuitions about the meaningfulness of beauty and love are to be expected."

Without such a belief, what is the meaning of life? If there's nothing beyond ourselves or this finite life, then who cares? That kind of a view just makes it all seem so pointless. So hopeless.

2. Maybe I should have written a blog post solely about this (and stay tuned, I just might!), but I have been so smacked in the face by my sin of trying to find my identity in anything other than Him. I'll let some quotes from Chapter 10 explain for me:

"Sin is the despairing refusal to find your deepest identity in relationship and service to God. Sin is seeking to become oneself, to get an identity, apart from Him."

"The primary way to define sin is not just the doing of bad things, but the making of good things into ultimate things. It is seeking to establish a sense of self by making something else more central to your significance, purpose, and happiness than your relationship to God." 

Does that hit anybody else right between the eyes?

3. My God is beautiful and, by His very nature as three in one (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) He is a relational being. He doesn't need me or anyone else to love or glorify Him. He is complete in and of Himself. 

I don't deserve His love and never will. I can never repay Him. I could never be worthy of Him. Yet he wants to have a covenant relationship with me. (I'm so tempted to ramble on about the book of Ruth as well as biblical parallels I see in Pride and Prejudice, but I shall resist. Another time).

So If you're still reading this, bless you. I know this one is getting long. And as much as I'd love to go on, I'll wrap this up.

But do tell me...what do YOU think about all this? Life...eternity...the meaning of existence? Really, I want to know.

Personally, "for me the meaning of life is centered in our redemption by Christ and what I see in the world I see in its relationship to that." -Flannery O'Conner

Okay ONE more.

"I believe in God the way I believe in the sun. Not because I see it. But because by it I see everything else." -C.S. Lewis

Fear Factor

fear

[feer] 

noun

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of.

anticipation of the possibility that something unpleasant will occur.

I'm pretty sure that simply being human sets us up for feeling some degree of fear at least occasionally in our lives. Because we are finite...because if we are honest, we don't and can't know it all…because no matter how hard we try to make it so, very little is actually in our control.

So fear, as stated above, more often than not is at least loosely linked to what might happen. Because we are uncertain of the outcome, we may be afraid of a particular circumstance. 

Most feelings of fearfulness, if not arguably all such feelings, arise from some degree of dread, distress and trepidation towards the unknown. 

Let me just preface this by saying that I'm preaching to myself here. Fear can be paralyzing. And I'll confess that, even now as I write this, I have let fear -- fear of failure, fear of people's reactions, fear of what could result -- keep me from even attempting certain things. 

And not that I'm at all letting myself off the hook here, but living in another country is scary! I love it here, but I just so often feel like I'm going to strike out (insert appropriate, yet perhaps slightly cheesy quote: "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game"). When I first got here, I didn't even want to go to the supermarket by myself because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find something or someone would ask me something in Italian and I wouldn't be able to adequately respond. Which, by the way, that happens all the time. That's when I shrug and say, "That wasn't so bad. This is my life right now. I'm struggling to function in a foreign language, and I will and do make a fool of myself. Daily."

Che sarà, sarà…Whatever will be, will be. (Oh by the way, that's Italian ;))

But God's really been convicting me of this lately and bringing the concept and reality of fear to the forefront of my mind and heart. Because there are so many things that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of trying to use things I'm passionate about (like Zumba and art) because…what if I can't find a place to do these things? I'd have to work out the logistics of any type of event in Italian, and what if I mess that up? And what if I plan something and everything seems in place and then no one comes? 

Sometimes I'm afraid if I walk around alone at night or if I notice a man staring at me (any young woman who's lived abroad or even in a big city in the U.S. knows exactly what I'm talking about). I'm also afraid that I'm not doing anything all that helpful or useful or important here. I'm afraid I'm not doing an adequate job of telling people who Christ is and what He's done for me…for them…at the same time, fear of messing up a relationship or not doing the gospel justice keeps me, I'm sure, from sharing truth and love as often as I should.

Here are two big ones I'd dare to bet most people struggle with: Fear of loneliness and fear of the future. I don't think these need much elaboration or personal anecdotes from me, because I'm sure you can easily insert your own thoughts on these subjects…married or single, fresh out of college or head of a company, white picket fence or living without the guarantee of electricity or clean water each day.

But where there is fear, I know my faith is weak.

Just writing that immediately brought to mind the story of Peter walking on the water:

"During the fourth watch of the night, Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
"Lord, if it is you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said. "Why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:25-31)

That's me. That's all of us as believers who have said, "Yes, Lord. I will follow you out onto rough, stormy waters." But that doesn't mean we aren't going to look around at our circumstances…check out the wind and the waves and freak out and flail around and try not to drown until we can finally shout out, "Lord save me! Save me from my fear! Save me from myself."

But the beauty of all that is…He catches us. 

"Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him."

Another example that God has led me to (a couple of different ways at a couple different times lately, actually) is the story of Joshua and Caleb and their mission, along with the other Israelite spies, to scout out the Promised Land. 

Let me explain…no. There is too much. Let me sum up: (…The Princess Bride…anyone…anyone?)

So this is after God leads the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt and Moses parts the Red Sea and God provides food for them in the desert. These people are right on the brink of the Promised Land…what they've been hoping for and heading towards for so long. So God commands Moses to send out some men for 40 days to explore the region and see what they will face in this new land…who they would have to conquer in order to take possession of the land that had been promised to them.

In Numbers 13 and 14, the Bible tells us the spies saw that the land was fruitful and good, but they were afraid of the people.

"But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large….We can't attack those people; they are stronger than we are." (Numbers 13:28, 31)

Only Caleb and Joshua remained faithful. Even while the people grumbled that they'd rather return to slavery in Egypt than face the uncertainty of this new land and its challenges, Joshua said, "The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good. If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us. Only do not rebel against the Lord. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them." (Numbers 14:7-9)

How often to miss out on opportunities…potentially exponential blessings…because we are afraid?

One last thing.

"When I am afraid, 
I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise,
In God I trust; I will not be afraid." (Psalm 56:3-4)

So how do you combat fear? With Faith. And no, faith in yourself or another human being just isn't going to ultimately cut it. 

He's bigger than all that.

Assurance of the steadfast love and goodness and holiness and justice of God. Abiding in the Word of God. 

Knowing that the ultimate goal of my life IS God. 

That's it. That doesn't mean I'll never be afraid of anything every again. Don't I wish… But that reality makes everything else so small. All the things I'm afraid of are like a speck of dust in the light of Him…in the light of Eternity.

He is with me. I know Him. And I love Him.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)