why wait?

Let's talk about sex.

I know it's a touchy subject (pun kind of intended).

This blog post was inspired by a conversion with a friend the other day who was curious why my boyfriend and I won't be staying together when he comes to visit me while I'm in Italy. It's a good question, and I know it seems unnatural or even borderline masochistic to the culture at large that a couple would practice such "self-deprivation" by not sleeping together. At the very least, I know most people would consider sex (a) just not a big deal or (b) that it would just be pragmatically and financially inconvenient not to live/stay together.

So, why wait? And what are we waiting for?

I feel like I fumbled my way through an explanation the other day and I've been thinking a lot about it ever since, so this is my attempt at a more well-thought-out response. 

In this day and age, I would dare to guess that only "religious" people value reserving sex for marriage. But this is not a post about the sinfulness of sex or being prudish and straight-laced for the sake of being prudish and straight-laced or doing all the "right" things and not doing all the "wrong" things. 

I want to argue, rather, that sex is beautiful and a purposefully-created gift to be enjoyed...in the context for which it was created. 

I don't abstain from sex because I think lowly of it, but rather because I have a very high view of it. I like how John Piper describes it in a podcast on DesiringGod.com: 

"We save sex for marriage precisely because sex is natural, and normal, and beautiful and so that we can keep it that way. So that it does not become common, and sordid, and manipulative, and diseased, and cheap, but precious, and personal, and clean, and sacred. You don’t put fences around weeds. You put fences around gardens. We don’t put our dirty socks under lock and key in the hotel room. We put our rings and our wallet in the safe. Holding sex until marriage doesn’t make it unnatural. It makes it priceless."

So, why only have a sexual relationship with the person you marry?

As I've reflected on it, I can see three main reasons that go beyond "the Bible says so" (which, by the way, it does [see 1 Cor. 6:18-20, 1 Thess. 4:3-5, Gal. 5:19-21, and Hebrews 13:4, just to name a few]).

First of all, science. 

That's right. My first argument isn't even a "Christian" one. I actually read an article not long ago on Bustle.com about what sex does to your brain (which goes along with things I learned about brain chemistry and its relationship to emotions and addictive behaviors for my counseling degree). According to the article,

"Sleeping with someone can drudge up all sorts of actions and feelings you may not have even known you had — and that's because a lot goes on in your brain and your body that you might not even be aware of. There are a number of weird effects of sex on the brain, and knowing what these are can help you better understand why you feel the way you feel with someone. Not everyone reacts the same way after sex, but experts say there are certain hormones that are released and parts of the brain that are activated for most people when they get involved sexually with someone."

So what kind of things happen in the brain during/after sex? 

1. Oxytocin ("often referred to as the cuddle hormone") is released, especially in women, making us more inclined to feel connected to someone.

2. The cerebellum (which processes emotion) is activated.

3. The neurotransmitter dopamine is released ("Dopamine is one of the brain chemicals involved in addiction – it tells us 'That was good, we liked that, we should do that again and feel good again.' We pursue activities that release dopamine to chase that 'high.'")

4. The hippocampus is engaged (which can affect memory). 

5. The orbitofrontal cortex is shut down (which can can affect decision-making).

6. Vasopressin is released, making us feel attached ("Vasopressin (which is made in the hypothalamus) is released from the pituitary gland in the brain after sex. This hormone, which helps you regulate thirst, is also involved in the development of attachment. 'Specifically, increased vasopressin is correlated with devotion to and protection of the person you slept with and is believed to be the hormone that motivates us to be monogamous,' clinical psychologist Jennifer Sweeton, Psy.D., M.S., M.A. tells Bustle").

7. The neural pathway involved in social judgment turns off ("There's a reason you have a hard time producing a logical, analytical assessment of the person you slept with: the neural pathway involved in social judgment turns off. 'This is likely why we have the saying that "Love is blind,"' says Sweeton. Because of this, your focus may shift from thoughts to emotions").

On the one hand, what a beautiful thing!! (And perhaps even an argument in favor of a Creator behind the intricacy of intimacy...?). Things naturally happen in our bodies and brains that make us more attracted to and attached whoever we are intimately involved with. How wonderful if that is one person and that person is someone who has committed to love us for better or for worse and all that! There are literally hormones involved in (and designed to?) keep us committed to the person we are sleeping with. 

On the other hand, what a terrifying thing if we habitually activate these chemical reactions with a person who might not be good for us or that will likely leave us eventually! I (unfortunately) personally know enough about how much harder intimacy outside of the commitment of marriage can make breakups. Because your brain does all these crazy (and cool!) things to make you feel more and more connected to that person. So when things end...yeah, it's painful and feels a bit like withdrawal. (Ever wondered why so many songs compare love to a drug?)

To quote Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage at length,

"The modern sexual revolution finds the idea of abstinence till marriage to be so unrealistic as to be ludicrous. In fact, many people believe it is psychologically unhealthy and harmful. Yet despite the contemporary incredulity, this has been the unquestioned uniform teaching of not only one but all of the Christian churches—Orthodox, Catholic, and Protestant.

The Bible does not counsel sexual abstinence before marriage because it has such a low view of sex but because it has such a lofty one. The Biblical view implies that sex outside of marriage is not just morally wrong but also personally harmful. If sex is designed to be part of making a covenant and experiencing that covenant’s renewal, then we should think of sex as an emotional “commitment apparatus.”

If sex is a method that God invented to do “whole life entrustment” and self-giving, it should not surprise us that sex makes us feel deeply connected to the other person, even when used wrongly. Unless you deliberately disable it, or through practice you numb the original impulse, sex makes you feel personally interwoven and joined to another human being, as you are literally physically joined. In the midst of sexual passion, you naturally want to say extravagant things such as, “I’ll always love you.”

Even if you are not legally married, you may find yourself quickly feeling marriage-like ties, feeling that the other person has obligations to you. But that other person has no legal, social, or moral responsibility to even call you back in the morning. This incongruity leads to jealousy and hurt feelings and obsessiveness if two people are having sex but are not married. It makes breaking up vastly harder than it should be. It leads many people to stay trapped in relationships that are not good because of a feeling of having (somehow) connected themselves.

Therefore, if you have sex outside marriage, you will have to steel yourself against sex’s power to soften your hear toward another person and make you more trusting. The problem is that, eventually, sex will lose its covenant-making power for you, even if you one day do get married. Ironically, then, sex outside of marriage eventually works backwards, making you less able to commit and trust another person."

Science.

But is there another reason? A theological one?

Non-Christians could use an argument like the one above to choose not to have sex outside of marriage (in addition to the risk an unplanned pregnancy or STDs). But is there another reason that Christians in particular reserve sex for marriage?

(I'm realizing how long this post already is and feeling a little overwhelmed at all I could say on this subject, but I'll try to be concise.)

According to the Bible, God said it was not good for man to be alone and created woman as a helper fit for man (see Gen. 1-2). We see marriage in the opening chapters of the Bible! 

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). (And did not the information about brain chemistry above argue that there is in fact some sort of "one flesh" thing happening during sex?)

Additionally, according to Christian belief, marriage isn't just something God himself instituted but it also points to something greater. In Ephesians 5, right after quoting the above verse from Genesis, Paul says, "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church" (Eph. 5:32).

In this love story to top all love stories (the truth of which all romance novels and fairytales are merely shadows?) the God of the universe chose to become like the beings he created, even though they had chosen created things over the Creator (see Romans 1). He came for reconciliation...to restore that broken relationship. He came and experienced everything humans experience and suffered everything humans suffer, to identify with us. He suffered and died in the place of those he loved...the ultimate sacrifice of laying down his life. But he didn't just die. That might be noble, but that would be devoid of power. Instead he proved his power by resurrecting himself from the dead, conquering death and freeing humanity from its hold on them and opening a way for eternal life for those who would accept his free gift (his proposal?) of salvation. 

"For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." (Isaiah 54:5).

I realize and respect that those who do not believe in Jesus would not see marriage this way. But for those who claim to be followers of Christ, dare we defile one of the biggest and most obvious images he uses to reflect his relationship with us as believers? Will we really chose to step into the undertow of culture and our own desires and reject the prescriptions he has so clearly laid out for us in his Word? And if we do, is the Truth really in us at all? (See really all of 1 John, especially 1 John 1-2).

Lastly, I'm sure sex is great and all (and I hope a decade from now I can personally attest to how wonderfully binding and fulfilling it has been for years in my own marriage), but Jesus is better. His ways are better. If he created sex, I want it his way. Surely he knows better than I do how it should work. And HE is my hope...not whether or not I get married or how successful or "happy" or fulfilled sexually satisfied I feel. All those things (even marriage!) are temporary. But a breath in comparison to eternity. 

And I know some are of the belief that we all just cease to exist when we die. And I guess if that is true it doesn't really matter what you do with your body and it doesn't even matter if I'm wrong about this whole God thing because when I die my body will turn to dust and that will be that. 

But what if these crazy Christians actually have it right? What if you have a soul that will spend eternity (ETERNITY) somewhere? What if you really will have to answer to Someone someday for all the things you did and believed? (Thank God for grace, without which none of us would have hope!!)

The way I see it, the risk is high enough to at least consider these things. 

I'll leave you with one last quote from John Piper as well as what we, as believers, have to look forward to when we see Christ (our bridegroom) face to face:

"Another reason we save sex till marriage is that marriage is a picture of the covenant between Christ and his Church. And sex in that picture is the most exquisite pointer in the covenant relationship to the indescribable pleasures that await our full fellowship with Christ, in the age to come, in covenant with Jesus. Sex outside marriage is a lie about Jesus and about his relationship to the Church. It is a lie about where ultimate joy is to be found."

"Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,

'Hallelujah!

For the Lord our God
    the Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and exult    and give him the glory,for the marriage of the Lamb has come,    and his Bride has made herself ready; 
it was granted her to clothe herself    with fine linen, bright and pure.''' (Rev. 19:6-8)

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away'" (Rev. 21:1-4).

This is our hope. This is what we have to look forward to. And, like saving sex for the person we choose to commit to in marriage, it's worth waiting for.

this is my story.

I've been feeling the need to write a (hopefully) brief, look-what-God-has-done post lately. 

One of my favorite ways to remind myself of God's faithfulness is to reread my prayer journal, and I've been doing that a lot over the past few months especially. I've been amazed by the reminders of how God has woven all the intricate details together...how he's been using all the plot twists and character developments for my good and his glory.

If you've been following this blog from the beginning, you probably know the majority of this story already. But for those of you who only know bits and pieces, here's a synopsis of what God's been up to in my life the past few years:

Even though I grew up in a Christian home and was always at church events, my faith really became real to me in college. When I was younger, my faith was based more on morality than anything else...I identified as the "good girl" who always did the right things (or at least, I didn't do any of the "wrong" things...and oh how I judged the people who did). God graciously started to strip me of that arrogant attitude in college when I made plenty of mistakes of my own and he showed me more and more of my own sin and need for grace.

Things really started to change for me my junior year of college when I went to the Passion student conference in Atlanta. There, God began to wake me up to my own selfishness...that this life is actually not about me (SHOCKER) and, with people daily dying of starvation and sold into sex slavery, there are just so many needs in the world. Simultaneously, I began to grow in my relationship with Christ as the pastor of my home church challenged us as a church to read through the Bible in a year. For the first time, I began to read the Bible daily, and God began to transform me and draw me closer to himself. It blows my mind that, even though I claimed to follow Jesus, I had never really read all of what he chose to communicate with us...It's like I was trying to write a book report without ever having read the book!

As my heart started to change, my desires started to change as well. Never (NEVER) before had I considered joining the Lord in his mission of gathering the nations to himself. But, somewhere along the way, God started to kindle a desire in me to share his story of creation, separation, salvation, and restoration with people who may not have heard it...to tell of a God who loves them so much that he humbled himself by becoming like them and taking all their guilt and shame upon himself so that they could be reunited with him forever--the ultimate rescue mission and act of sacrificial love the world has ever known. 

But I fought it. Because, after college, you're supposed to settle down and get a good job and get your life together, right? So, I started walking in that direction. However, a week after starting a full-time job, my pastor showed a video during church about ways to pray for the country of Italy. I'm not much of a cryer, so if something drives me to tears, I notice. I remember that being the moment that God made it clear he wasn't going to let me just ignore him. Little did I know then that he would not only take me overseas but would call me to the very country he used to stir up my heart for the nations that day. 

Fast-forward to almost a year later when I'm making preparations to go to Italy for two years to work in a non-profit art gallery, teach English, and help out with a church plant. However, as anyone who was around for the early days of this blog knows, visa issues landed me back in my hometown--jobless and restlessly waiting--for almost three months. I remember that being one of the hardest seasons of my life...already having plans to go but not yet being able to go. Those were days of much uncertainty and ambiguity and anticipation and anyone who knows me well at all knows I'm not great (understatement) with the unknown and with shifting plans.

But, just when I had begun to accept that going to Italy might not work out and I was offered an opportunity to work as a journalist in Thailand instead, my visa for Italy arrived in the mail! 

And so, I embarked for Italy in January 2014. And nothing turned out the way I had planned. 

My original supervisor left Italy a few weeks after I arrived. The art gallery closed. We had to move into a different apartment. The small, solely American-led church plant folded. 

But God exceeded ALL my expectations. Though challenging in countless ways, my time in Rome was better than I could have asked or imagined.

It was also a time of great suffering and great growth, especially when my supervisor's wife died in a car accident a few months before I returned to the U.S. The months following the loss of a woman who had become such a dear friend and mentor to me were some of the most painful of my life so far. BUT...God used my own experience of grief and especially walking alongside her three young daughters in that season to lead me to pursue a master's degree in counseling and wanting to focus specifically on children who have experienced trauma and crisis situations...which led me to working for an organization that uses horses as therapy for children in crisis!

But...did you catch the timing there? If I hadn't been delayed in going to Italy because of my visa, my timeline would have been different. I would have had to leave Italy in June or September at the latest, which would have meant I would not have been there when Kyra died or when her family moved back to Rome and I wouldn't have been able to walk alongside them and my Italian church family in all of that. And would that have meant I never would have been led to get a counseling degree or work at Hope Reins or just generally live where I'm living right now?

And there's another thing that wouldn't have ever happened if I had left Italy in June... In the summer of 2015, an American family lived in my supervisor's apartment while they were in the U.S. visiting family for a few months. This family was praying through moving to Italy as well. I quickly learned that they were from the same city I was considering moving to to go to grad school. So, after getting to know them a bit during that summer in Rome, I got reconnected with them when I moved back to the U.S. and started my counseling degree. They immediately invited me into their home and family and church, and we bonded over our mutual love of Italy. 

And now, three years and many delays (including an unexpected fifth child) later, they have finally moved to Italy to help with a church plant there. And my church raised money (the EXACT amount that I needed) for me to join them for three months! So, Lord willing, I'll head that way in September to help with the kids while they're in language school and just generally try to support them in any way that I can.

Oh and there's also a potential long-term opportunity to return to Italy and a wonderful man that have both entered the picture in the past year, and I honestly don't know exactly how God's going to tie it all together in the end. But that's a story for another time ;) 

My point, though, is that sometime things (like delays and disappointments) can seem so senseless from our finite perspective. But what if the story isn't over? What if this is just an internal or external struggle that is part of the rising action of your story? What if your story hasn't reached it's climax (or its resolution) yet? God, after all, is THE master storyteller. He's been doing it since the dawn of time. And sometimes he's a God of suspense...of all-hope-seems-lost moments and last-hour deliverances. Just keep reading. Maybe your own personal "visa delay" is just God writing your story in a way that is so much better (albeit SO much different) than what you could have dreamed up for yourself. The God who made everything from the wind and waves to the way your eyes reflect light is a pretty creative guy. 

Well. So much for that being brief. But six or seven years is a lot to sum up! 

Hope this encourages you to lean into the Lord, even amidst doubt and disbelief and disappointment and disillusionment. I pray that the privilege of falling in love with him and trusting him to lead you is or becomes part of your story. 

out of control.

I've been learning a few things about myself lately.

First of all, I like control. And I mean I REALLY like control. And I get pretty anxious and irritable and frustrated when anyone of anything makes me feel out of control in any way. 

Secondly, I'm not as gracious and patient as I like to think I am.

Who has brought the aforementioned qualities to my immediate attention? About a dozen boundary-pushing yet undeniably lovable two-year-olds. 

That's right: My most recent adventure has been working in a preschool. I now constantly have kids' songs stuck in my head and find myself saying things like "That's not a good choice" and "Make a bubble" (in other words, "Be quiet while we're walking down the hall") and "Let's not put things in our mouths, okay?" and "Use your words" and "We have to be kind to our friends" and just generally figuring out how to set expectations and explain things in ways that are developmentally appropriate. 

And this job and these kids have been teaching me A LOT about sin and grace and the gospel.

The innate sinfulness of humanity is clearly on display when a kid gets mad at you and screams in your face or looks you in the eyes and whacks another kid in the back just to see your reaction or runs away from you towards the road or hauls off and bites a friend for not handing over the most-wanted toy of the moment. 

My lack of grace is evident in my knee-jerk reactions, which are not often very pretty. Every time, though, it does make me think about how gracious and patient God is with me...even in all my fussiness and fickleness and tantrum-throwing. And looking to his example is the ONLY thing that reins me back in when I feel like I'm going to lose it over a little friend's defiant and disrespectful behavior...when they shatter any semblance of my precious control. 

It's very humbling. To say the least. 

But oh...are these kids sweet little loves! I'm so proud of them when they can show patience and self-control by being quiet and attentive during circle time or while waiting for their lunch and for knowing all their colors and learning their numbers and letters and shapes. My heart melts when they crawl up in my lap and want me to read to them or draw me pictures or hug me incessantly or tell me they love me. 

For your own joy (and sanctification), you should make a point to be around littles on a regular basis! 

They also remind me of what childlike faith looks like. After all, Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it" (Luke 18:15-17). 

A couple of weeks ago, the other teacher and I were sharing the Easter story and talking about how we get to Heaven. We asked, "Do you guys know how you can get to Heaven?" (to which some of them answered "in a car" or "on a donkey" or "walk"). We said, "No, you can't get there any of those ways. There's actually only one way to get to Heaven. Do you know what it is?" And one of the sweetest little boys in the class was so transfixed on what we were saying and responded, "No...Will you tell us??" Then he listened SO intently as we explained that we can only spend eternity in Heaven with God if we have Jesus in our hearts by believing that he died on the cross to save us from our sins and entrusting our lives to him. 

Other than my constant craving for control (which a classroom full of screaming two-year-olds is daily wrestling from my clinched fists), I'm learning that I've let difficult circumstances, disillusionment, sudden losses, and bitter disappointments build brick walls around my heart. I've learned that I seldom allow myself to really feel things in the moment (which actually goes back to my love of control as well...fully feeling big emotions makes me feel out of control...it's safer to be sort of numb and distant). Frozen's Elsa's words keep replaying in my mind: "Conceal...don't feel...put on a show...make one wrong move and everyone will know..."

Additionally, I've realized I have trouble believing things are really good...There's always this underlying wariness...this expectation that eventually the rug is going to get pulled out from under me...that I'm going to get hurt.

Essentially, what all of this really comes down to -- my futile attempts to maintain control, this overprotection/hardening of my heart, my general skepticism -- is that I am actually distrusting God. I am not trusting him as my Good, Good Father who loves to give good gifts to his children. Instead, I am worried I'll ask for a fish and he'll give me a snake (see Matthew 7:10-11). In everything that's going on in my life (and there are some really beautiful things...opportunities to return to Italy...a new relationship...) there's this underlying fear that there's something lurking around the corner that will prove this isn't really good after all. 

It'll fall through...It won't work out...I'll fail somehow...I'll make a mess of things..I'll end up disappointed or hurt... 

About a week and a half ago, I found out my car was unsafe to drive and might cost several thousand dollars to fix if the issue wasn't covered under warranty. On top of that, the dealership told me they couldn't fix it for another couple of weeks. So, I was anxiously trying to figure out how I was going to go without a car for two weeks and worrying I would have to call out of work and other commitments and frustrated because it meant I would have to cancel a trip I was planning to go on that weekend. But, long story short, the Lord was so kind to me: I took the car into the dealership the next day and they called me in two hours to tell me the main issue was covered under warranty and they could probably fix it in the next few days. On top of that, my roommate was going out of town the exact days my car was supposed to be getting fixed and offered to let me drive her car. So I didn't have to change anything in my life around, really, even though I was without my car for a few days. 

Additionally, I got my car back in time to come up to my hometown for Easter weekend and got to take a quick trip to visit my friend that I was supposed to see the weekend before. Before that car ride, I downloaded a Tim Keller sermon centered around Romans 8:28-39 called "Does God Control Everything?" because I knew I had a long drive ahead of me. By the end of it, I was in tears...so convicted by how little I truly believe that God is both completely good and in control. Here's the part that had me in tears:

"Don’t think of [the love of God] abstractly. Jesus is the love of God. In the garden in Gethsemane and on the cross, do you know what was happening?

All the greatest forces in the universe were arrayed against Jesus. And he could have stopped them. He could have stopped the rejection, he could have stopped the torture, he could have stopped the death, he could have stopped the rejection of his Father, he could have stopped eternal justice coming down on his head. All he had to do was give up on us. That's all he had to do. Just walk away...

Charles Spurgeon said, ‘Jesus Christ was up on the cross, bleeding, dying, looking down on the people betraying him, and forsaking him, and denying him, and in the greatest act of love in the history of the universe, HE STAYED!’

Bomb after bomb after bomb was coming down on Jesus Christ trying to get him to drop us... to separate him from us... And even Hell itself couldn’t do it. He stayed. 

...If he wouldn’t abandon you then, he wont abandon you now. If he wouldn’t abandon you when Hell itself was coming down on him, if that didn’t separate his love from you do you think you having a bad week is gonna do it? Do you think there is anything that you can do that could destroy his love for you when that couldn’t do it? Or when bad things are happening to you all over and you say 'I must be abandoned!' If he didn’t abandon you there he isn’t going to abandon you now.

He spared not himself. The Father spared not his own Son. ... He gave us the ultimate gift and you think somehow that he is going to let your life go off the rails now? He’s not going to deny you anything you need.

This is the love you’ve been looking for all your life.”

He also said something to the effect of "if someone gave you a million-dollar gift, do you think they'd skimp on the wrapping paper?" Why do I believe that, even though God didn't spare his own Son but gave him up for me, he won't really graciously give me all things (Romans 8:32)? Why don't I live like I believe that all things (even things that don't feel good to me in the moment) work together for my good and his glory (Romans 8:28). Why is it so hard for me to believe that no breakup, no broken-down car, no broken bone or broken heart or broken promises or broken dreams could ever separate me from the love of my Father?

I heard recently that "if it's not good, it's not over." He's working it all together for good. Even if it doesn't feel like anything good could possibly come out of a certain situation, hold on...it's not over yet. There is hope. And we know how this story ultimately ends...in a place with no more tears and pain...in a place of pure joy and restoration and all-things-new (Revelation 21). And even before that grand finale, we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13). Hold on.

So I can believe good things are really good. I can trust him in that. I don't have to shield my heart from pain because he can and does redeem even that and use it for his good purposes. I don't have to have it all together or have it all figured out. I don't have to try to control everything, because I can trust the one who actually is in control. 

As we prepare to celebrate the day that Jesus rose victorious over death, let us remember his great love for us. He will never leave us or forsake us. He went through Hell to save us. He willingly laid down his life...the perfect atoning sacrifice...when we were helpless to save ourselves. He didn't have to do it. We certainly didn't deserve to have him take our place and he certainly didn't deserve the suffering he endured for our sake. He could have saved himself at any point. 

But, "in the greatest act of love in the history of the universe, he stayed."

Happy Easter!!

here at the crossroads.

Confession: This post is really more for me than it is for you.

Here's where I externally process this season of my life and look ahead to the next...in this space between the three-year journey towards a master's degree in counseling and the fairly ambiguous-but-coming-together future. What's next, you might ask (and I know you might ask it because if you have had a conversation with me in the past few months, you probably already have), now that I've taken the last exam, turned in the last paper, and walked across the stage in a black robe and a funny hat? 

Keep reading to find out :)

It's honestly hard to know where to begin on this one. I have learned SO much at seminary (both inside and outside of the classroom). I've learned to study the Bible better -- digging into hermeneutical principles like context, historical and cultural analysis, grammar and syntax, study of genre, and seeking to determine authorial intent -- and grown to love God's Word more and more. I have learned more about the character of God, human nature, and the wonder of all wonders that the God of the universe would condescend to identify with us in every way and take the punishment we deserved to restore us again to a right relationship with himself. I have pondered philosophical and theological questions like, "How do we know what we know?" and "What is real?" and "How do we know what is true?" and "Why would a good God allow suffering?"

I've also had up-close-and-personal, boots-on-the-ground, hands-in-the-dirt experience with pretty much all of the counseling issues I've studied in class (through my own personal experience or through walking alongside friends, family, or guys I've dated as they struggled with these things): 

...anxiety...depression...abuse...grief and loss...eating disorders...suicidal ideation...same sex attraction...addiction...the challenges of adoption and foster care...the struggles children of divorce will face for the rest of their lives... 

If there were ever any doubt he was indeed calling me to minister to people who are suffering, the gamut of grief and hardship I've walked (or sometimes crawled) through myself or alongside others in this short, three-year period seems to be evidence in support of that calling. I recently read a quote by John Piper I found relevant: "If you are called to counsel others, I entreat you, do not begrudge the seminary of suffering." It may not always feel fantastic, but I am truly thankful for the ways he's been using this place as a training ground for whatever he is leading me towards (and is already allowing me to do). 

He's also been teaching me so much personally. I have certainly come to realize how broken I am...anxious...fearful...distrusting...easily angered...passive aggressive...a chronic grudge-holder...always chasing the ever-illusive MORE. I've come to realize how little I've actually/fully/functionally trusted God throughout my life. Instead, I try to make my own way, coddling my idols and chasing after wind. I've only begun to grasp the depth of his grace to me in that he has pursued me and loves me still. 

In fact, I recently went through a bit of an existential crisis when a hope I've been holding onto for far too long was shattered. 

What are you doing, God? How could I have been so wrong? Why do things I feel like you're leading me in just implode? Am I mishearing you? Are you even there? 

I realized that night that I have a decision to make. The image of literally sitting on a fence came to mind. There are really only two options here: Either God does not exist and the past half a decade or so of my life has been absolutely meaningless and I better find something else to do with my life OR he is who he says he is and he is both fully sovereign and fully good and he is working all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). 

And my life is eternally impacted by which side of the fence I land on. Either I land on Side A (there is no God -- or if there is, he obviously either isn't good or isn't powerful -- and life is ultimately meaningless because we are all going to die and return to dust anyway so we might as well live a hedonistic, pleasure-seeking existence because this is really all there is [cf. Ecclesiastes]) OR Side B...a good God created the universe and each image-bearer in it on purpose and for a purpose and "the skies proclaim to works of his hands" (Psalm 19:1)...and he didn't make us robots but gave us the potential to really love and really choose to love him and be faithful to him...but we were disobedient and ran away...but he still bought us back and brought us back, if we will surrender our lives to the Savior of Souls and return to him...and he is working it all -- all the pain and the suffering (which he voluntarily entered into and personally experienced) as well as the beauty and the joy -- towards an ultimate grand finale of once-and-for-all restoration. 

If Option B is true, than I can't keep living like I actually believe Option A. I can't keep being afraid that he'll pull the rug out from under me or drop me or walk out on me or that he's not there or doesn't care. "Perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18).

If Option B is true, I don't have to fear! "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want" (Psalm 23:1). I don't have to want! If he is wholly good and completely in control, I don't have to fear the unknown or the ambiguous or the seemingly hopeless. I can trust that, even if circumstances aren't want I expected or wanted them to be, he is working all things together for good and no plan of his can be thwarted (Job 42:2).

But it really is one or the other. Either he's there or he's not. Either he's sovereign or he's not. Either he's good or he's not. Either the Bible is true or it's not. Which will you believe? And will you live like you really believe it? As a counselor friend of mine said during an emotional breakdown I had a few months into this season, "It's dangerous to only believe something in theory."

So, let's get back to the real reason you're probably reading this post: Where am I going from here?

Well, that's an excellent question. One I'd prefer to know a definitive, beyond-the-shadow-of-a-doubt answer to myself. But the truth is, there are a lot of question marks right now (from my finite perspective, at least). There's the potential for a counseling job that may or may not work out (and hopefully there will be others if it doesn't...and I plan to continue to pursue counseling experience in whatever way I can as I'm really just starting out). But there's also the possibility of going back to Italy, either with a family from my church or potentially to another city with the organization I went through the first time). The logistics and the timeline are a bit hazy, but the Lord does seem to be leading in that direction. 

So, I'm praying for clarity on three things right now: 1) Where to go. 2) What to do. 3) With whom to do it. Would love it if you joined me in that.

The world feels a little too wide open for my Type-A personality. I like a plan. I really like control. But let's face it...control is an illusion anyway. Take this weekend, for instance: As I type this, I should be in Williamsburg with my family, doing Christmas-y things and giving my grandmother a break from a taxing time in her life. Instead, I came straight to my hometown for the holidays while my parents and uncle have been handling a situation with my grandfather (who has dementia and is no longer able to control his actions, unfortunately making him a danger to himself and the other patients at the nursing home he had been living in for the past six weeks). May it be a lesson not to be so arrogant that we think we can truly plan our own way, saying, "'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit' -- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring" (James 4:13-14).

So, even if I had a really "concrete plan," it would likely change -- or at least turn out differently than I expected. So here I am again...just trying to trust and obey in the midst of uncertainly...and marveling at the work he's done in my heart in the past few years that has kept me from melting into an anxious puddle as would once have been my tendency. Which, ya know, may still happen at some point...

As so many times before, I find myself again in a season of waiting. But as God has graciously drawn me closer to himself, I feel myself waiting more in a posture of expectancy than anxiety. It has made this Advent season -- this annual period of longing and expectancy -- all the sweeter. 

I'm sure I could go on and on about all this season has meant to me...and how much it has changed me...But I'll spare you the endless ramble and leave you with something that drew me to tears at my graduation ceremony. The president preached on Hebrews 13:5, when the author quotes God's promise: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He also quoted the Message's paraphrase: "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you." 

How much of my life have I really functionally been driven by that fear? 

Better come up with a back up plan, because God might not come through...

...What if, like so many people in my life, we gives up and walks out? What if he lets me down?"

Clinging to his promise never to leave us or forsake us, we can face the future fearless and faithful. We don't have to want. We don't have to fear. We have a God who, if we put our trust in him (if we land on the "Truth" side of the fence), is for us. And he is with us in every way.

Emmanuel. God with us. 

The One who holds the stars
In the creases of His hands
Is the One who holds my heart
Like a mother once held him
The One who knows what lies
Where space has run its course
Embraced a baby’s mind
And now I can know my God
The monarch of the stars
The King above all kings
The ruler of my heart
And the Saviour for my sins
The One who sees what lies
In each and every soul
Embraced our finite eyes
And now we can see our God
["Arrival" by Hillsong]

A Chance to Die

Book Summary

Amy Carmichael lived a life of radical obedience and sacrifice. As a missionary whose husband, Jim Elliot, literally gave his life so that the Auca people in Ecuador could know the One who died to save them, biographer Elisabeth Elliot was also well-versed in sacrifice and submission, making her an appropriate candidate to chronicle Carmichael’s compelling story. As Elliot asserts in the preface, “The Christian life comes down to two simple things: trust and obedience,” both of which Amy Carmichael exemplified in her 83 years of following the Lord to foreign lands and loving the people he put in front of her (Elliot 16). 

Elliot begins her biography by detailing Carmichael’s early years. Amy Carmichael was born in Millisle, Ireland on December 16, 1867. She was one of seven children, and her father died of pneumonia when she was 18 years old. While she grew up in a Christian home and faithfully served the poor in her community for much of her life, a true turning point in Carmichael’s life came at a Keswick Meeting in Scotland about a year after her father’s death when she truly realized for the first time that earthly things don’t really matter and she became “dead to the world,” rejoicing in the faith-awaking epiphany that “the Lord is able to keep us from falling” (37). A precocious, clever, and compassionate child, her adolescence was characterized by peacefulness and contentment as well as a no-nonsense attention to discipline, which would prove indispensable in shaping her into the woman God was calling her to be: “The sternness of Christian discipline put red blood—spiritual health—into the girl who could not have imagined then the buffetings she would be called on to endure” (26).

Another crucial juncture in Carmichael’s life came when Hudson Taylor of the China Inland Mission visited Belfast in 1887 and told of the thousands of souls hourly passing into eternity without the hope of the gospel. Soon after, Amy wrote, “Does it not stir up our hearts to go forth and help them, does it not make us long to leave our luxury, our exceedingly abundant light, and go to them that sit in darkness?” (41). She would go on to identify January 13, 1892 as the day God unmistakably and irrefutably called her to go. Soon after, she was appointed as the first missionary to be sent out by the Keswick Convention.

Originally planning to go to China, her health prevented her from going where and when she had planned. Instead, “‘the thought came’ to Amy that Japan was the place for her to go,” and she prepared to journey halfway across the globe shortly afterward (63). Sickness set in (a condition the doctors described as “brain exhaustion”) and, after nearly two years in Japan, it was settled that she would move to Ceylon (modern-day Sri Lanka). After a ten-month respite in England, she ultimately moved to India, never again to return to her homeland. 

During her nearly 56 years in India, she founded and ran the Dohnavur Fellowship, a home for at-risk and underprivileged children that is still thriving today. A passionate evangelist, she felt called to lay aside an occupation that brought her great joy to serve as “mother” for hundreds of children over several decades. She fought fervently for girls who were taken as children to become temple prostitutes, often risking her life to rescue them from such a fate. In her nearly 400-page biography, Elliot tells extensively of Carmichael’s work at Dohnavur until an accident 1931 left her predominantly confined to her room for the remainder of her life. However, she was still actively involved in the management of Dohnavur and the lives of the people in the community there until her death in 1951. She wrote nearly 40 books in her lifetime, and her voice still rings out across the ages. Her faithfulness impacted millions, leaving an indelible imprint on the world and pointing countless souls to Christ. 

Personal Reaction

Amy Carmichael’s story has made a profound impression on me, personally. It was also a timely read, as I am currently wrestling with the possibility of going back overseas. Her courageous example of making the counter-cultural commitment to follow the Lord to far-away places, to be dependent on him for every material provision, and to do it all as an unmarried woman are all particularly inspiring. 

First of all, she surrendered her life to overseas mission work, leaving behind the comfort of all things familiar and amidst initial opposition from those dearest to her. Upon her mother’s resistance to her going, she responded with, “My Precious Mother, have you given your child unreservedly to the Lord for whatever he wills? …O may he strengthen you to say YES to him if he asks something which costs” (54). Despite her conviction of her calling, leaving her loved ones behind was by no means easy: “I feel as though I have been stabbing someone I loved…The certainty that it was his voice I heard has never wavered, though all my heart has shrunk from what it means, though I seem torn in two” (54). Eventually, the Lord aligned her mother’s will with his own and she was able to write, “He is yours—you are his—to take you where he pleases and to use you as he pleases. I can trust you to him and I do…All day he has helped me, and my heart unfailingly says, ‘Go ye'” (55). It is a comfort to know that even the great Amy Carmichael faced doubt (her own and that of her family) and opposition before taking the leap of faith to journey to far-away lands for the sake of a Kingdom greater than her own and that the Lord was faithful to lead her loved ones to ultimately support her going, heart-wrenching as it was not to be able to hold on to someone they loved so deeply. 

Additionally, Carmichael’s legacy serves as an encouragement and challenge to live a life of spiritual fervor and what she called “Calvary Love.” During her time in India, Carmichael wrote, “Our prayers for the evangelization of the world are but a bitter irony so long as we only give of our superfluity and draw back before the sacrifice of ourselves” (164). How often are the priorities of Christ-followers skewed and sidetracked in favor of earthly comforts, pleasure, and ambition? Carmichael would have none of it. She understood that the call to follow Christ was one of suffering and sacrifice, as she beautifully puts it in one of her poems: 

No wound? No scar?

Yet, as the Master shall the servant be,

And pierced are the feet that follow Me,

But thine are whole; can he have followed far

Who has nor wound nor scar? (264)

Carmichael understood the importance of faithfully loving those in her community, and love was a pervasive characteristic at Dohnavur. She fought to protect her community from divisiveness and disunity, with love being the tie that bound them all together. Additionally, she did not believe in fundraising or living in abundance. Instead, she and the Dohnavur community lived on very little, monetarily speaking, and funds were always miraculously provided for the work at just the right time. Elliot mentions numerous instances in which a need was prayed for and the money (often in the exact amount) would arrive nearly immediately afterward. There can be no doubt that God was and continues to be at work in the ministry there. 

Lastly, Carmichael did it all without the help, comfort, or headship of a husband. This aspect of her life is the one that, for me, is most intimidating to consider imitating. If I’m honest, what scares me most about returning overseas is the thought of doing so without the built-in support system of my own family. Did she ever mourn the life she missed out on—a life consisting of marriage and motherhood (although, in reality, she was “mother” to hundreds of children throughout her life)? She apparently never said much on the subject, but she did once write to a friend of a time when she might have chosen “the other life”: “Deep down in me a voice seemed to be saying, ‘No, no, no, I have something different for you to do,’” going on to say, “Remember our God did not say to me, ‘I have something greater for you to do.’ This life is not greater than the other, but it is different. That is all. For some our Father chooses one, for some he chooses the other, all that matters is that we should be obedient…” (287). So, is the fear of going alone a good enough reason to stay when he is calling you to go? Carmichael would probably laugh and give her rebuttal in her usual straightforward and witty way, perhaps offering another of her poems in empathetic encouragement: 

If Thy dear Home be fuller, Lord,

For that a little emptier 

My house on earth, what rich reward

That guerdon were. (288)

Amy Carmichael is a beautiful example of faithfulness, trust, and obedience for fellow Christians to follow. Her life of Calvary Love should compel the church today to live sacrificially for what truly matters and to “count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:8). Christians can also learn from her commitment to trust him even in ambiguity and amidst danger, doubt, discouragement, and discomfort. Carmichael’s trust in the Lord to meet all her needs also flies in the face of American notions of independence, individuality, and self-sufficiency. Where are the men and women today who would surrender all to serve Christ and love others so wholeheartedly? Could I trustingly allow him to lead me where, as Hillsong’s “Oceans” says, “my trust is without borders…where feet may fail and fear surrounds me”? Am I strong enough to do it alone? Amy Carmichael would answer, “Yes,” because “the called and chosen can by God’s grace be faithful, and to follow the Crucified is all that matters to the true lover and disciple” (287). So, with examples like Amy Carmichael and Elisabeth Elliot before me, I can follow him into “the great unknown, where feet may fail,” knowing that “his grace abounds in deepest waters” and “[his] sovereign hand will be my guide.”