maternity musings.

Guess I haven't written anything on here since September's waterfall incident.

Well. A LOT has happened since then.

In September, we had our belated wedding reception (we still don't know what to call it) following our 10-person COVID-restriction-compliant actual wedding in May. (Side note on that: From May to September, I honestly wondered if I'd always regret not being able to have a "real" wedding like so many others have had and will have. But after getting to experience the [albeit small-scale] party we had in September--which, while wonderful, came with the stress of making sure everything ran smoothly and everyone was happy and taken care of--I am even more thankful for the sweet, simple, unique, stress-free, perfect-for-us wedding that God, in his wisdom, saw fit to give us...a day in which we got to focus on each other, be together and make preparations together all day, go get our marriage licensed signed in T-shirts and gym shorts, and just enjoy the perfect weather and the support of loved ones physically present and "present" via Facebook Live).

In December, we got to go on our belated honeymoon--seven months after our actual little mini-honeymoon in the mountains and in a totally different country than we originally planned. (Side note on that: Taking a "honeymoon" seven months into marriage was, I would dare to guess, even more fun than jumping on a plane after what probably felt like a marathon day before and dealing with the stressors than international travel can sometimes bring, all amidst the usual jitters of getting to know each other in a more intimate way and adjusting to marriage).

In January, we found out we'd had a little stowaway on our belated honeymoon. 

That's right: We are expecting a baby boy in September! :)

This journey of pregnancy so far has been challenging, emotional, and such beautiful evidence of God's faithfulness. There have been fear-filled tears and tears of joy. I've felt an even deeper love and gratitude for my husband. My heart has felt full to bursting when I've seen our little guy moving around during our ultrasound visits and, now, as I'm starting to feel his little flutters below my bellybutton. 

Given that this in my current (and completely new-to-me) reality, I've been thinking a lot (A LOT) about pregnancy and childbirth and parenthood and the grace of God. Here are some of the things I'm learning so far:

1. Moms (and moms-to-be) are my new heroes. 

I really don't think I gave any of this much thought before, but now whenever I see a pregnant woman (especially if she is simultaneously chasing around other littles), I see such a beautiful strength. I mean, seriously...Do you have any idea how hard it is growing a human for 40 weeks then pushing it out of your body and feeding it (while it's inside, with very little conscious effort, and then continuing to keep in alive while it's outside)??

Well let me just tell you: I don't experientially know a lot about the whole pushing-it-out process quite yet, but even pregnancy itself is NO JOKE. I felt pretty much perpetually carsick for the first couple of months and wanted little more than to stay in bed all day (which was impossible, what with working full time and all those trips to the bathroom and the necessity of eating SOMETHING what felt like constantly to keep said carsickness at bay). And did you know that allergies can be worse during pregnancy? And did you know that the pregnant body is pumping a full FOUR POUNDS of extra blood through it, which can lead to nosebleeds and low blood pressure/lightheadedness? And then there's tenderness in places that are pretty tender to begin with, not to mention round ligament pain (every heard of that?). Then there's the heartburn and indigestion and (pardon my honesty) gas that are characteristic of pregnancy, because there's just not enough room in there or energy for your digestive system to function quite as smoothly as it used to. And then, of course, there's learning to dress and balance and generally get used to this new body shape/size/weight you're sporting. 

Someone said to me recently that if pregnancy were a disease, it would be one of the worst because it effects every part (EVERY PART) of your body. 

I have, of course, heard from those moms who said they'd never felt better than when they were pregnant. More power to those ladies whose pregnancies were flawless and fun, but I'm betting that's more of the "mommy amnesia" that sets in afterwards than anything else (which is a blessing, of course, or most women would probably say, "Ehh...one's enough."). To the rest of you for whom human-growing has felt more like a trial than a joy, I salute you and I stand with you (even if it may take me a second or two longer to do so these days). And it really (usually) does get better in the second trimester. 

2. Children are a blessing from the Lord.

I'm going to be honest with you: If you had told me before marriage that I would be carrying a child within my first year of marriage, I probably would have laughed in your face and said, "Please, God, no." However, as he just keeps reminding me, God's ways are not always my ways but they are always higher and better (Isaiah 55:8-9). 

Over the summer, Glenn and I both felt the Spirit's urging to surrender the timing of starting a family over to him (as if it were not already in his control to begin with). We talked and prayed about it a lot ("What if we get pregnant right away? What if we can't get pregnant at all? Have we had enough time, just the two of us? What if, even by the slightest chance, birth control pills have prevented the implantation and growth of a fertilized egg already? Are we really ready to be parents?"). Though it didn't come without its fair share of trepidation, we choose to be obedient to what we felt the Lord was asking of us. And when we had that positive pregnancy test staring back at us a few months later, we felt even more sure that we'd heard him correctly. Not only that, but the timing was so sweet and God-ordained in that we found out we were pregnant about four days before my grandfather (William, better known as "Poppy") passed away, and it's even more special that the child we are expecting is a boy and we get to name him William (and call him "Liam"). 

Psalm 127 has been one I've thought about a lot in the past few months: 

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the watchman stays awake in vain.
2 It is in vain that you rise up early
    and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
    for he gives to his beloved sleep.

3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
    the fruit of the womb a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
    are the children of one's youth.
5 Blessed is the man
    who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
    when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

A few thoughts of this psalm: 

First of all, there's really been very little that I have consciously done or over which I have had control to create this tiny one and keep him alive. In fact, there's quite a bit I did wrong before I knew there was a baby in there, including eating sushi, soaking in a hot tub, and drinking on our honeymoon, and who even knows how many times I took ibuprofen before I knew he existed. It makes me even more thankful that "in HIS hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind" (Job 12:10). 

And so, secondly, pregnancy and parenthood are (yet another) exercise in trusting the Lord. That's definitely something I am still learning daily, as I have worried about everything from miscarriage to birth defects to how having a baby will affect our marriage to the every-scary SIDS. So, I have a choice: I could "eat the bread of anxious toil" or I could lie down and rest, knowing God's got this and whatever happens will be for our ultimate good and for his ultimate glory (Romans 8:28).

Lastly, anyone else think we need to be a little more careful about how we talk about children? "Enjoy your life/freedom/sleep/fun while you can." It was basically the same way before we got married. That it was going to somehow be this miserable, limiting state of existence. Well, I know I'm only a year into this thing, but marriage is wonderful. Challenging sometimes? Sure. It's two imperfect people trying to communicate and make decisions and forgive and actively love. But it's the most beautiful, joyful thing I've experience in my life so far, and I love having a lover, ministry partner, and best friend to do life with! So I have to believe that if God's Word says that children are a "heritage" (or, in some translations, "gift") from the Lord, we should see them as such and not as yet another ball and chain.

Don't get me wrong: I did my fair share of "grieving" (especially during the first trimester, when I felt awful)..."Why do people to this? Do I even want this? Is this worth it? Will I ever have fun again? I'm way too selfish for this!!!" But someone told me recently that having children just means you have one arm full. I'm choosing to look at it that way. Yes, life will be different. There will be "limitations." But I hope we have still serve and live and love and do things. One of us will just have a kid strapped to our chest. And I hear the snuggles and giggles and general baby love are pretty great as well.

3. Pregnancy and birth reflect the Christian life and yearning for the new creation.

As we already discussed, pregnancy and birth are no picnic. There's struggle and exhaustion and pain. You have to die to self to offer life to another as the baby growing inside takes all it's nourishment from your body and all your body's strength to bring it into this world. It's a kind of suffering. But it is pain intermingled with joy: "When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world" (John 16:21).

And, as Gloria Furman says in her book, Labor with Hope, we need to "take our eyes off of ourselves and look through the shadows to the substance, who is Christ. Brith is not about us, but about God."

In essense, we are mirroring this reality described in Romans 8:

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, wewait for it with patience.

As Furman goes on to say, "A mother in the throes of labor helps us understand that our suffering in this life is far outweighed by the joy we will experience in the resurrection. Everything in the realm of the 'seen'--the sweat, tears, uncertainty, anticipation, pain, groaning--gives way to the yet 'unseen'--the profound relief and joy you feel when everyone hears the sound of a wailing baby. Whether or not she is aware of it, a mom in labor is a picture of eschatological hope. She perseveres through contraction after contraction with endurance because of what happens after labor is over: delivery." 

That is our hope as believers: a day with no more tears or pain or suffering or waiting or death (Revelation 21:4). To borrow and paraphrase a quote from Tolkien, it'll be a day when all sad things come untrue. 

I'll end with one last quote from Labor with Hope: "All our groaning will end when we finally see what we've been hoping for, as the consummation of God's promised restoration bursts forth in full. Until that day we tremble in hopeful anticipation."

I hope you know the hope she's talking about and, in childbearing and life in general, you are able to labor with hope and joyful expectation.