Well. It's been a while. And I've wanted to write for months now, but I 1) haven't felt like I could fully get my jumbled thoughts in order and 2) haven't had adequate time that was uninterrupted by our baby needing something and/or the logistics of moving and time with people as we celebrated the holidays and continue to say our goodbyes.
That said, I'm going to try to gather my scattered thoughts around two main points: 1) I can't do this, but God can. 2) This is hard, but this is worth it.
First of all, by way of update: We had our baby! And, beautifully enough, I went into labor the morning after I wrote that last post about longing for his arrival.
Labor, delivery, and the postpartum period defied my expectations in many ways. All my best intentions for a non-medicated birth were scrapped after days of prodromal labor then twelve hours of back labor (meaning the full force of contractions is felt in your back) with contractions about three minutes apart that entire time, all resulting in only about two centimeters of dilation. Instead, my labor consisted of an epidural, plenty of Pitocin, and two hours of pushing, all made worth it in that still-surreal and beautiful moment when they placed--or, more accurately, threw--our son onto my chest for the first time.
Postpartum was very different from what I expected as well. My body didn't feel nearly as destroyed as I expected it to and felt (mostly) back to normal a lot faster than I thought it would. I learned that nursing doesn't come as naturally as all the books and articles will tell you (at least not for us), and that "mom guilt" starts early when you feel like you have failed (or your body as failed you) in providing for your child the way you so desperately want to. I have also never felt so utterly spent...like everyone seemed to want something from me and I had nothing else to give my husband, all the people that wanted to visit and spend time with Liam, and--most importantly!--Liam.
(Side note: Can we all agree we probably need to support and encourage new moms better than we do? I'm sure I've been guilty of not supporting my mom friends better before I was one myself, and I'm deeply sorry for that. Please do not tell her all the things she should be doing or make her feel shame for not being able to do something the way you did it or you think it should be done. Please don't minimize how hard things are right now by saying things like, "Just wait until they're toddlers or teenagers or _______, then it'll be WAY harder." Maybe also don't say things like "Don't you just love the newborn stage? Isn't it the best?? Soak up every minute!!" Because, in that moment, it may not feel like the best and she may feel like she's drowning. I'm convinced women forget so many of the hard things about pregnancy, birth, and postpartum...otherwise every person would be an only child! Lastly, by all means serve her, love her, cook for her, clean her house, and tell her what a good job she's doing, but please don't expect her to have the energy or emotional bandwidth to have people in and out of her house all the time (Or maybe she is the kind of person who wants that, and that's okay too! Let her decide). Do everything in your power to help her rest and recover and not feel overwhelmed, whatever that looks like for her. Don't focus so much on the baby that you let his or her mother crumble quietly in the background. Take care of her so SHE can take care of her baby. Okay. I'm done.)
As an encouragement for new moms or soon-to-be moms: It DOES get better. For us, it was right around the one-month mark...when he started sleeping longer stretches and showing those first hints of social smiles. The newborn weeks ARE really hard. I had one friend call it "the potato phase"--it gets so much better when they start interacting with you and you feel like you have an actual relationship with them as opposed to them being just this little thing you need to take care of and can do absolutely NOTHING to take care of itself. The snuggles and the smiles and the giggles and the sweetness are coming! I promise. It won't feel like survival mode forever, and you CAN do it!
(Also worth saying before I move on from the postpartum discussion: We definitely want to say an enormous thank you to the many people who have supported us so well in this season!!! I'm still blown away when I think about the many people in our community who brought us meals and reached out to check on us and helped us move and just loved on us and prayed for us. And for our parents, who fed us and helped us with chores and spent several nights on our couches with Liam's bassinet beside them so that we could sleep a few hours at a time, at least. I can't imagine the last few months without all of your help, and we are inexpressibly grateful.)
Also by way of update: Over the last couple of months, we sold most of our belongings (so many of which had been wedding gifts we were so generously given less than two years ago) and moved out of the townhouse in which we started our married life together. We're now living with family as we continue to take steps towards moving overseas in the coming months ("Lord willing, and the creek don't rise!" But as someone said to me recently, "If the Lord's willing, the creek won't rise!).
So, we've had a lot going on. And I don't think I've ever felt so overwhelmed or inadequate in my life. I've questioned if we are being foolish..."We've only been married and year and a half...We've only been parents for four and a half months...We're nowhere near having this all figured out!"
"But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God." -1 Cor. 1:27-29
This season has been a humbling one. No doubt about it. But that's a good thing. Because the fact is, I CAN'T do any of this on my own power. It IS too much for me. I'm not adept enough or strong enough.
But it's not about me (thank God!). I didn't really chose any of this or make it happen. I can't make anything happen moving forward. The Lord has been leading us in this path for a while now (probably longer than we even realize), and he's always been faithful...always provided for us and sustained us. Who am I to say it's too much now? To believe it's impossible and give up? Trust and obey. That's all I can do (even if I am intimidated along the way). And may he be glorified in it all.
As to my second point: This is hard. But this is worth it.
"For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it being to mock him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.' Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes again him with twenty thousand? And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple." -Luke 14:28-33
In a similar way, marriage has a cost to be counted. Remember in The Proposal (lol that I'm quoting that) when Sandra Bullock's character says, "There's a reason I've been alone all this time: I'm comfortable that way. And I think it would be a lot easier if we forgot everything that happened and I just left." And then Ryan Reynolds says, "You're right...that would be easier." After a long pause she says, "I'm scared," and he says, "Me, too."
There were a lot of things about singleness that were easier (you only really see that from the other side of the altar, right?). There were a lot of things about life before parenthood that were easier. It would be easier not to move our little family to a new place with a new culture in which I have to learn a new language and things may not alway come naturally or easily.
But it's worth it. Being married is often challenging, but it's also the most beautiful blessing to share life with a partner and best friend. Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I love this little bundle of adorability more than I ever thought possible. Living life in a place that will feel more foreign than familiar (at least at first) will be worth it to even see one person (please, Lord Jesus) who doesn't know his or her Creator and Redeemer come to know and love him.
All that said...please pray for us. We cannot do this in our own strength, and we've finally stopped trying. We're scared. We're weak. We need the joy of the Lord to be our strength (Nehemiah 8:10). We can't do any of this. But God can.
14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:14-21)
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