So anyway, one of our final assignments was to make a list of "Ten Key Truths" that we learned from taking the class. All these things have been incredibly helpful for me to reflect upon, so I thought you might like to meditate on these musings as well. [Also, married friends: PLEASE tell me what you think of these...In your experience, are these accurate? Do these things hold true? What additional key truths would you add to help educate we not-yet-married folk?]
1. God did not design marriage for your personal happiness but primarily
for your growth in holiness. This idea is Gary Thomas’s thesis in his book,
Sacred Marriage. Love and marriage
are not about what your spouse can do for you and how he or she will fulfill
you, satisfy you, or make you happy. Instead, God uses the challenges of marriage
to chip away your rough edges and conform you more into the image of His Son. The
refining fire of living in close relationship with another sinner is ultimately
for His glory and your good. [Psalm 66:10-12, Zechariah 13:9, Romans 8:28]
2. The problem is not loving your spouse too much or not enough, but not
loving God enough. Both Tim Keller’s The
Meaning of Marriage and Paul Tripp’s What
Did You Expect? accentuate this idea. When you make an idol of your spouse,
you expect your husband or wife to fill a role that only God can fill. You need
to reorder your loves to love Him first, foremost, and with your whole heart,
for He is a jealous God. In loving God more, you will be able to love and serve
your spouse better without trying to make him or her your functional god, and
you will not be disappointed and punish your spouse when he or she inevitably
lets you down. [Deut. 6:5, Exodus 20:1-6, Habakkuk 2:18-20, Romans 1:25]
3. Love in marriage requires sacrifice and selflessness. Sometimes
even the choice to marry someone has little to do with loving that person and
more to do with loving yourself and how that person fits into your plans and
ideals. According to Paul Tripp in What
Did You Expect?, “Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another
that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is
deserving.” Even when your spouse falls short of your expectations, you are
called to serve and die for this person. [Phil. 2:1-10, John 15:12-17,
Ephesians 5:1-2 & 25]
4. Commitment is the anchor of marriage. According to Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage, "wedding
vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of
future love" and they "keep you from simply running out too
quickly" or giving up when feelings fade. Commitment
transforms a promise into reality and puts your words into action. Commitment
says, “I choose to actively love you and fight for you, even if my feelings are
telling me otherwise.” Commitment perseveres, whatever comes. Without choosing
to commit to your spouse, you will find yourself trying to justify any reason
to run when trials come. [1 Corinthians 13:7, Numbers 30:2, Ecclesiastes 5:1-7]
5. Healthy marital communication begins with your attitude and is impacted
by how you approach the conversation, your differing communications styles, how
well you listen to each other, and your level of emotional reactivity. Communication
is less a matter of technique and more a matter of your attitude towards and
perception of your spouse. Don’t let a negative relationship history or
negative affect reciprocity perpetuate pessimism and disputes. Seek to
communicate past the superficial levels of cliché, facts, and opinions, and dig
deeper into feelings with honesty and vulnerability. Remember that good
communication involves listening well, and according to H. Norman Wright, “Listening
means that you’re trying to understand the feelings of the other and that you’re
doing it for his or her sake.” [Romans 12:9-21, Luke 6:45, Colossians 4:6]
6. There is a level of intimacy that only comes through communicating
through difficult issues. Even if and when conflict arises, do not despair
or worry that you married the wrong person. Conflict is an opportunity for
growth. In healthy couples, conflict can add energy to your marriage and bring
you to a deeper level of intimacy than if you never had to work through
difficult situations. Like working a muscle, communicating through
disagreements and difficult decisions can be a relational strength-building
exercise. So, in reality, conflict is evidence of God’s grace; He refuses to
leave you in a mediocre, one-dimensional, carefree marriage but instead makes
your relationship stronger and deeper through the tension, building character
and endurance in each of you individually as well. [James 1:2-4, Colossians
3:12-17, 1 Peter 6-7, Romans 5:1-5]
7. Intimacy is about more than just sex, and plain-and-simple
conversational intimacy is foundational and affects all levels of intimacy.
There are five types of intimacy (conversational, physical, emotional, sexual,
and spiritual), and you can rarely have a healthy sex life without all five.
You need to learn to communicate intimacy on all five levels, not just on a
sexual level. There are also many barriers to intimacy, such as lack of
knowledge or understanding about each other, habitual criticism, resentment,
lack of trust, and failure to prioritize your spouse. You need to work to break
down these barriers and strive for authentic vulnerability, because you can’t
be defensive and vulnerable at the same time! Improving intimacy on all five
levels will help your spouse feel safe enough to be vulnerable. [Genesis 2:25, 1
Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:7-21, Ephesians 4:1-3]
8. Perpetual problems rooted in personality differences can’t be “fixed”
and don’t need to be “fixed.” We must learn to celebrate our differences. Remember
that your way is not the “right” way. You were each created as unique
individuals with particular personality traits. These differences can be a
blessing if you learn to appreciate them and allow yourself to be stretched by
pondering a perspective other than your own. You are better equipped to serve
the Lord with your spouse because you can each balance out the other’s
strengths and weaknesses. It is a great thing that you didn’t marry your clone,
in which case one of you would be unnecessary! Leo Tolstoy summarizes it well
in saying, “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how
compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.” [Psalm 139:13-16, 1
Corinthians 12]
9. Many issues in marriage are caused because spouses fail to properly
understand and work through family of origin issues. When you and your
spouse got married, you each brought a lifetime of family history, holiday
traditions, doing things a certain way, and even the pain of unresolved
familial issues. You must learn to “leave and cleave,” choosing your spouse and
working together to create your own traditions and systems. [Gen. 2:24,
Ephesians 5:31-33]
10. Marriage is hard work, but it’s not complicated. It’s not rocket
science. But it does take disciplined and intentional effort. You’re never in
more danger than when you allow yourself to coast. So, you have to work on your
marriage, but you don’t have to constantly dissect it or over-analyze it. God is
not a God of chaos or confusion, but He does call us to faithfulness,
obedience, and diligence. [1 Corinthians 14:33, Matt. 11:25-30, Colossians
3:23-24]
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