I've seen more than my fair share of them. I loved curling up on the couch and eating a way too generous portion of something sweet. It is escapism at its best: being carried away by a story in which all the loose ends are tied up around a nice little package of confectioner's sugar labeled "Happily Ever After."
For most of my childhood (yes, childhood...as one example, I somehow convinced my parents to take me and my 5-year-old brother to see Titanic when it came out in theaters when I was 7) and teenage years, and even through college, I can see now how my perception and definition of love was derived almost exclusively from chick flicks.
I almost threw up in my mouth a little to admit that. But it's true. And I think it's still true for a lot of people. And I'm still a recovering RomCom-aholic.
And perhaps the worst part is that I was almost entirely unaware of the fact until a few years ago. I remember the first time the thought entered my mind that this sort of entertainment could even be considered detrimental was when a friend described chick flicks as "female porn." That may seem extreme, but think about it: In the same way that pornography appeals to men (and women) on a visual and sexual level, chick flicks feed women's (and men's) emotional cravings for companionship and intimacy.
So what happens if our ideas about love and sex come solely from movies and pop culture? Here's a completely non-exhaustive list of unrealistic expectations:
1. The goal is the get-together (the film ends when the lovers finally figure everything out and skip off into the proverbial sunset)
2. Even if said "get-together" involves abandoning another to be with "the right one," it's okay because the protagonists were "meant to be together."
3. Being with that special someone is the only thing that will truly make you happy (cue The Beatles, "All You Need is Love")
4. That special someone will look like Ryan Reynolds or Henry Cavill and will absolutely ooze wit and charm.
And on top of these things that characterize the "cuter," "sweeter," "more innocent" RomComs, it seems that society has become appropriately disillusioned with puppy love alone and so, in the name of protecting hearts, they've decided it's easier to just use each other for sex. (Anyone seen Friends with Benefits or No Strings Attached?)
In fact, I watched a movie last night (remember, I labeled myself as "recovering") in which one of the characters was describing her last failed relationship: "I mistook sex for love...It was fun!" Wow, what a great message.
I'll refrain from spending more than two sentences on 50 Shades of Grey because there is already a superfluity of articles flying around Facebook concerning this controversial pop culture phenomenon, but has humanity really sunk so low as to desire what boils down to little more than manipulation and abuse in its attempt to gratify longings for sex and love? However, I feel I am not authorized to say much more than that, having not read the book and having no intention of seeing the movie.
This isn't meant to be a bitter diatribe. I'm not bitter. I'm sad. I'm sad because I can see what such messages have done to my views on love and how they have impacted so many of my friends, whether or not they realize it. I've seen too many people I love caught up in on-again-off-again relationships or "serial dating" in their never-ending search for a version of love that doesn't exist.
It's so easy to get carried away. By life. By society's definition of "normal." By desires. By what feels good. But "going with the flow" can take you over a waterfall or, at the very least, through some pretty serious rapids, without a healthy dose of self awareness.
What are you searching for? What are you chasing after? What do you want?
I want chocolate. I love chocolate. It makes me happy. It tastes good. My stomach literally just growled.
There's half a homemade chocolate cake in the kitchen, and I know for a fact how decadently delicious it is. But if I go in there right now with a fork and devour the whole thing in one sitting, I'm going to make myself sick. More than that, there's no protein or nutritional value, so if that's all I ate today I would still be hungry. And if I make a habit of eating large amounts of cake on a daily basis, it will produce noticeable and undesirable results.
That may seem like a cliche example, but doesn't the same principle apply to so many other things in life? I won't bother with specifics; a little self-examination will reveal what it looks like in your own life.
But it is so obvious to me how I and so many others have tried and failed to fill and satiate and satisfy our hunger with the cotton candy version of love flaunted by films and other forms of fiction. I mean, speaking practically, when I am truly hungry, I don't want cotton candy, a sugar cookie or chocolate cake. Personally, I want something like a grilled chicken salad with a sweet potato on the side.
In the same way that chocolate may taste good in the moment but isn't doing anything to truly nourish my body, so it goes with the world's version of "love." The chocolate cake in the kitchen cannot satisfy me. Neither has any boyfriend I've ever had ever been able do. Nor will my husband one day, if I ever get married. Nor will any job or hobby or any other thing I enjoy.
(Not that almost anything in moderation and in its proper context is inherently bad: "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17)
We're human. We all have cravings and desires and longings. We get hungry and thirsty. We get tired. We want things that are bad for us. We indulge in the temporary and feast on the fleeting.
How are you satisfying your hunger and thirst? What are you resting in?
As always, this is getting to be longer than I originally intended, and there are so many verses relating to these thoughts that I could expound upon. However, I think I'll just list them and pray you read them slowly and allow them to speak to you in their own way:
" The woman said to the serpent, 'We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, "You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die."'
'You will not certainly die,' the serpent said to the woman. 'For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.'
When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves." (Genesis 3:2-7)
"...Sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7)
"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare." (Isaiah 55:2)
"He who works his land will have abundant food, but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty." (Proverbs 28:19)
"Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for me, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." (Psalm 107:8-9)
"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water...My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you." (Psalm 63:1, 5)
"When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me." (Hosea 13:6)
"She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them....She decked herself with rings and jewelry and went after her lovers, but me she forgot." (Hosea 2:7, 13)
"All man's efforts are for his mouth, yet his appetite is never satisfied...This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." (Ecclesiastes 6:7, 9)
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." (Matthew 5:6)
"Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" (John 5:13-14)
"Then Jesus declared, 'I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.'" (John 6:35)
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." (John 15:9-13)
"'In that day,' declares the Lord, 'you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master'...'I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.'" (Hosea 2:16, 19)
And because sometimes the Message has an interesting way of phrasing things, here's its version of 1 Corinthians 13:
"Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything, Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end."
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything, Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end."
Give me that over some puffed up, fluffy Hollywood version of romance any day.
