Confession: This post is really more for me than it is for you.
Here's where I externally process this season of my life and look ahead to the next...in this space between the three-year journey towards a master's degree in counseling and the fairly ambiguous-but-coming-together future. What's next, you might ask (and I know you might ask it because if you have had a conversation with me in the past few months, you probably already have), now that I've taken the last exam, turned in the last paper, and walked across the stage in a black robe and a funny hat?
Keep reading to find out :)
It's honestly hard to know where to begin on this one. I have learned SO much at seminary (both inside and outside of the classroom). I've learned to study the Bible better -- digging into hermeneutical principles like context, historical and cultural analysis, grammar and syntax, study of genre, and seeking to determine authorial intent -- and grown to love God's Word more and more. I have learned more about the character of God, human nature, and the wonder of all wonders that the God of the universe would condescend to identify with us in every way and take the punishment we deserved to restore us again to a right relationship with himself. I have pondered philosophical and theological questions like, "How do we know what we know?" and "What is real?" and "How do we know what is true?" and "Why would a good God allow suffering?"
I've also had up-close-and-personal, boots-on-the-ground, hands-in-the-dirt experience with pretty much all of the counseling issues I've studied in class (through my own personal experience or through walking alongside friends, family, or guys I've dated as they struggled with these things):
...anxiety...depression...abuse...grief and loss...eating disorders...suicidal ideation...same sex attraction...addiction...the challenges of adoption and foster care...the struggles children of divorce will face for the rest of their lives...
If there were ever any doubt he was indeed calling me to minister to people who are suffering, the gamut of grief and hardship I've walked (or sometimes crawled) through myself or alongside others in this short, three-year period seems to be evidence in support of that calling. I recently read a quote by John Piper I found relevant: "If you are called to counsel others, I entreat you, do not begrudge the seminary of suffering." It may not always feel fantastic, but I am truly thankful for the ways he's been using this place as a training ground for whatever he is leading me towards (and is already allowing me to do).
He's also been teaching me so much personally. I have certainly come to realize how broken I am...anxious...fearful...distrusting...easily angered...passive aggressive...a chronic grudge-holder...always chasing the ever-illusive MORE. I've come to realize how little I've actually/fully/functionally trusted God throughout my life. Instead, I try to make my own way, coddling my idols and chasing after wind. I've only begun to grasp the depth of his grace to me in that he has pursued me and loves me still.
In fact, I recently went through a bit of an existential crisis when a hope I've been holding onto for far too long was shattered.
What are you doing, God? How could I have been so wrong? Why do things I feel like you're leading me in just implode? Am I mishearing you? Are you even there?
I realized that night that I have a decision to make. The image of literally sitting on a fence came to mind. There are really only two options here: Either God does not exist and the past half a decade or so of my life has been absolutely meaningless and I better find something else to do with my life OR he is who he says he is and he is both fully sovereign and fully good and he is working all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).
And my life is eternally impacted by which side of the fence I land on. Either I land on Side A (there is no God -- or if there is, he obviously either isn't good or isn't powerful -- and life is ultimately meaningless because we are all going to die and return to dust anyway so we might as well live a hedonistic, pleasure-seeking existence because this is really all there is [cf. Ecclesiastes]) OR Side B...a good God created the universe and each image-bearer in it on purpose and for a purpose and "the skies proclaim to works of his hands" (Psalm 19:1)...and he didn't make us robots but gave us the potential to really love and really choose to love him and be faithful to him...but we were disobedient and ran away...but he still bought us back and brought us back, if we will surrender our lives to the Savior of Souls and return to him...and he is working it all -- all the pain and the suffering (which he voluntarily entered into and personally experienced) as well as the beauty and the joy -- towards an ultimate grand finale of once-and-for-all restoration.
If Option B is true, than I can't keep living like I actually believe Option A. I can't keep being afraid that he'll pull the rug out from under me or drop me or walk out on me or that he's not there or doesn't care. "Perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18).
If Option B is true, I don't have to fear! "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want" (Psalm 23:1). I don't have to want! If he is wholly good and completely in control, I don't have to fear the unknown or the ambiguous or the seemingly hopeless. I can trust that, even if circumstances aren't want I expected or wanted them to be, he is working all things together for good and no plan of his can be thwarted (Job 42:2).
But it really is one or the other. Either he's there or he's not. Either he's sovereign or he's not. Either he's good or he's not. Either the Bible is true or it's not. Which will you believe? And will you live like you really believe it? As a counselor friend of mine said during an emotional breakdown I had a few months into this season, "It's dangerous to only believe something in theory."
So, let's get back to the real reason you're probably reading this post: Where am I going from here?
Well, that's an excellent question. One I'd prefer to know a definitive, beyond-the-shadow-of-a-doubt answer to myself. But the truth is, there are a lot of question marks right now (from my finite perspective, at least). There's the potential for a counseling job that may or may not work out (and hopefully there will be others if it doesn't...and I plan to continue to pursue counseling experience in whatever way I can as I'm really just starting out). But there's also the possibility of going back to Italy, either with a family from my church or potentially to another city with the organization I went through the first time). The logistics and the timeline are a bit hazy, but the Lord does seem to be leading in that direction.
So, I'm praying for clarity on three things right now: 1) Where to go. 2) What to do. 3) With whom to do it. Would love it if you joined me in that.
The world feels a little too wide open for my Type-A personality. I like a plan. I really like control. But let's face it...control is an illusion anyway. Take this weekend, for instance: As I type this, I should be in Williamsburg with my family, doing Christmas-y things and giving my grandmother a break from a taxing time in her life. Instead, I came straight to my hometown for the holidays while my parents and uncle have been handling a situation with my grandfather (who has dementia and is no longer able to control his actions, unfortunately making him a danger to himself and the other patients at the nursing home he had been living in for the past six weeks). May it be a lesson not to be so arrogant that we think we can truly plan our own way, saying, "'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit' -- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring" (James 4:13-14).
So, even if I had a really "concrete plan," it would likely change -- or at least turn out differently than I expected. So here I am again...just trying to trust and obey in the midst of uncertainly...and marveling at the work he's done in my heart in the past few years that has kept me from melting into an anxious puddle as would once have been my tendency. Which, ya know, may still happen at some point...
As so many times before, I find myself again in a season of waiting. But as God has graciously drawn me closer to himself, I feel myself waiting more in a posture of expectancy than anxiety. It has made this Advent season -- this annual period of longing and expectancy -- all the sweeter.
I'm sure I could go on and on about all this season has meant to me...and how much it has changed me...But I'll spare you the endless ramble and leave you with something that drew me to tears at my graduation ceremony. The president preached on Hebrews 13:5, when the author quotes God's promise: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He also quoted the Message's paraphrase: "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you."
How much of my life have I really functionally been driven by that fear?
Better come up with a back up plan, because God might not come through...
...What if, like so many people in my life, we gives up and walks out? What if he lets me down?"
Clinging to his promise never to leave us or forsake us, we can face the future fearless and faithful. We don't have to want. We don't have to fear. We have a God who, if we put our trust in him (if we land on the "Truth" side of the fence), is for us. And he is with us in every way.
Emmanuel. God with us.
The One who holds the stars
In the creases of His hands
Is the One who holds my heart
Like a mother once held him
The One who knows what lies
Where space has run its course
Embraced a baby’s mind
And now I can know my God
The monarch of the stars
The King above all kings
The ruler of my heart
And the Saviour for my sins
The One who sees what lies
In each and every soul
Embraced our finite eyes
And now we can see our God
["Arrival" by Hillsong]
