I've wanted to write something about singleness for quite a while now.
But I'm not going to do that.
[However, if you will allow me a tangental paragraph or two, I do have a couple of thoughts: First of all, married friends...we unmarried (or perhaps not-yet-married) folks need you. We, especially if God does call us to be someone's husband/wife one day, need to be able to view marriage realistically now. And having honest conversations with you is the best way to avoid the pitfalls of unrealistic expectations or relationship-status idolatry or even an unhealthy fear/distaste for marriage. You can help us think about marriage rightly, with all its joys and challenges. Additionally, in the absence of a spouse and kids who share our last name, you (especially if you are members of the same church) are our family. I firmly believe that, in a very real sense, the church (the Body of Christ...the Family of God) fulfills God's promise to "set the lonely in families" (Psalm 68:6). Please remember us, both in your prayers and at your dinner tables and family gatherings...those of us who no longer live with our families of origin and do not (yet, perhaps) have families of our own. You have an amazing opportunity to "practice hospitality" (see Romans 12 and Hebrews 13) and have a profound impact on someone younger than you and in whose shoes you have probably walked.
Secondly, single friends...you need married friends. Don't do yourself the disservice of only ever spending time with people just like you. Submit to the godly wisdom of men and women who have been walking with the Lord longer than you have. I had the immense pleasure today of having lunch with two lovely ladies from my home church who are a couple of generations ahead of me. I've had the honor of hearing their stories and I have complete confidence that they pray for me daily. Single or married...you need people like this in your life. Seek these brothers and sisters out. In the same way, have your eyes and heart open to people younger than you in whom you can invest and walk alongside. You have no idea the influence you could have. Be available. Do life with people different from you in age, life stage, whatever...Keep learning from others and be someone that others can learn from. Don't get so wrapped up in your lack of marital relationship that you forget to invest in other important relationships.
Lastly, I read recently something Heath Lambert said that I found extremely helpful: "All temptation has at least two defining elements -- a trial and an enticement to sin. The trial is an experience of testing that often includes suffering or a sense of deprivation. The enticement consists of an allurement to relieve suffering or deprivation through sin." Single friends (or heck, anyone who feels like "If I only had ________, I'd really be happy.") don't give into the lie that God is withholding something from you or depriving you of something. Be very careful not to let a "sense of deprivation" lead you into temptation. Yes, the struggle of singleness is real (trust me, I get it...all aspects of it). And I'm not going to spend the rest of this post detailing the woes of the unwed because well...there are plenty of other books and blog posts about that. But please do be mindful of the your heart's orientation in this area. As John Calvin said, our hearts are "idol factories." Guard against allowing marriage to be such an idol. Instead, ask God to "tune [your] heart to sing his praise" and give you the grace to serve him and love others (you do NOT have to wait for a spouse to do that).]
Okay. There's that.
But what I really want to talk about is an article I read the other day by Leslie Ludy about how we, as women, can inspire men to biblical manhood (men, don't tune me out here. I'd also love to hear your thoughts about how you can inspire women to biblical womanhood). And yes, I am approaching this from a single person's perspective (married friends, hang with me; this applies to you too).
I say I'm writing from a single's perspective because I feel like I hear complaints about and qualms with and disappointments in the opposite gender far too often (on both sides). But ladies...how are we, as women of "strength and dignity" (Proverbs 31:25) calling men higher? Is it possible to live it such a way that we could challenge and encourage and edify our brothers, "spur[ring] one another on to love and good deeds"?
So, instead of languishing over the lack of promising prospects (and shame on us for reducing each other to such), what if there were a more productive and positive perspective? Consider biblical examples of women doing this well: Esther, Ruth, Rahab (see Hebrews 11:31), Abigail influencing David (see 1 Samuel 25:32), Lydia influencing Paul (see Acts 16:15), and the godly wife in 1 Peter 3:1.
Again, these are pretty much straight out of the article, but here are four ways we can inspire and influence the men (or for men, the women) in our lives towards godliness:
1. Know the Power of Prayer : Are you angsting over them or praying for them? Are you devoting yourself to prayer for your brothers (or sisters) and/or husbands, fathers, actual blood-related brothers, etc.? For their holiness, humility, wisdom, compassion, protection from temptation, that they would not be sidelined by pride, and for their intimacy with God? I remember being deeply convicted when I went to visit a friend of mine and saw prayers for her brother scribbled across her bathroom mirror. I knew I wasn't praying for Beau that way...or my brothers in the faith or my dad or my future husband. Now I try to be intentional to pray for these men, especially those in ministry who will surely face intense spiritual warfare. Will you join me?
2. Exchange Criticism for Encouragement : Newsflash! Nagging never works. Never. Are our words building men up or tearing them down? I was actually just talking to my dad about this blog post and I asked him how he thought women could best inspire/influence men, and he said words of encouragement are really powerful. Instead of nitpicking the negative, what would happen if we made pointing out the positive a priority? Could a word of affirmation encourage men to keep pursuing what they are doing well? I will be the first to admit that I have failed in this more than I have done it well, and if you are a guy reading this who has fallen victim to any scathing remarks or passive aggression, I am deeply sorry. I want to love you better in this way in the future! [As a caveat, single ladies (and gentlemen), we obviously need to be wise about how we pour out words of affirmation on people of the opposite gender with whom we are not pursuing a romantic relationship.]
3. Set an Inspiring Example : I think Leslie Ludy said it well, so I'm just going to quote her directly: "When women choose to embrace godly strength and dignity, it sets and inspiring example for today's men. When guys observe a woman who holds to a higher standard than the cheap, desperate femininity of our culture, he is intrigued. And often, he is motivated to become the kind of man who is worthy of that kind of woman's heart."
4. Choose Faith Over Despair : I'm going to change her wording here and say, "Make sure your faith isn't misplaced." Psalm 146:3 says, "Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation," and Psalm 118:8 says, "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Look to God and trust him to sanctify the men in your life and satisfy your soul; don't look to men to "save" you in some way. They will never live up to your expectations because you are placing them on a pedestal meant for God alone. As Ludy says, "Just as there are widespread problems with modern masculinity, there are also widespread problems with femininity. It is very dangerous to blame men as the prime culprits for all our cultural and relational woes. Men are not the problem -- sin is. And sin is something that each and every one of us has participated in -- male or female."
May everything we think, say, and do be full of grace and dignity as we interact with and love those who are different from us. And to circle back around to the singleness thing... Single friends, what would it look like to meditate on and live out these things instead of letting our eyes forever flit back to our naked left hand and find our worth in who has or has not put a ring on it?
"And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." (1 Corinthians 7:17, the Message)
