First of all, I like control. And I mean I REALLY like control. And I get pretty anxious and irritable and frustrated when anyone of anything makes me feel out of control in any way.
Secondly, I'm not as gracious and patient as I like to think I am.
Who has brought the aforementioned qualities to my immediate attention? About a dozen boundary-pushing yet undeniably lovable two-year-olds.
That's right: My most recent adventure has been working in a preschool. I now constantly have kids' songs stuck in my head and find myself saying things like "That's not a good choice" and "Make a bubble" (in other words, "Be quiet while we're walking down the hall") and "Let's not put things in our mouths, okay?" and "Use your words" and "We have to be kind to our friends" and just generally figuring out how to set expectations and explain things in ways that are developmentally appropriate.
And this job and these kids have been teaching me A LOT about sin and grace and the gospel.
The innate sinfulness of humanity is clearly on display when a kid gets mad at you and screams in your face or looks you in the eyes and whacks another kid in the back just to see your reaction or runs away from you towards the road or hauls off and bites a friend for not handing over the most-wanted toy of the moment.
My lack of grace is evident in my knee-jerk reactions, which are not often very pretty. Every time, though, it does make me think about how gracious and patient God is with me...even in all my fussiness and fickleness and tantrum-throwing. And looking to his example is the ONLY thing that reins me back in when I feel like I'm going to lose it over a little friend's defiant and disrespectful behavior...when they shatter any semblance of my precious control.
It's very humbling. To say the least.
But oh...are these kids sweet little loves! I'm so proud of them when they can show patience and self-control by being quiet and attentive during circle time or while waiting for their lunch and for knowing all their colors and learning their numbers and letters and shapes. My heart melts when they crawl up in my lap and want me to read to them or draw me pictures or hug me incessantly or tell me they love me.
For your own joy (and sanctification), you should make a point to be around littles on a regular basis!
They also remind me of what childlike faith looks like. After all, Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it" (Luke 18:15-17).
A couple of weeks ago, the other teacher and I were sharing the Easter story and talking about how we get to Heaven. We asked, "Do you guys know how you can get to Heaven?" (to which some of them answered "in a car" or "on a donkey" or "walk"). We said, "No, you can't get there any of those ways. There's actually only one way to get to Heaven. Do you know what it is?" And one of the sweetest little boys in the class was so transfixed on what we were saying and responded, "No...Will you tell us??" Then he listened SO intently as we explained that we can only spend eternity in Heaven with God if we have Jesus in our hearts by believing that he died on the cross to save us from our sins and entrusting our lives to him.
Other than my constant craving for control (which a classroom full of screaming two-year-olds is daily wrestling from my clinched fists), I'm learning that I've let difficult circumstances, disillusionment, sudden losses, and bitter disappointments build brick walls around my heart. I've learned that I seldom allow myself to really feel things in the moment (which actually goes back to my love of control as well...fully feeling big emotions makes me feel out of control...it's safer to be sort of numb and distant). Frozen's Elsa's words keep replaying in my mind: "Conceal...don't feel...put on a show...make one wrong move and everyone will know..."
Additionally, I've realized I have trouble believing things are really good...There's always this underlying wariness...this expectation that eventually the rug is going to get pulled out from under me...that I'm going to get hurt.
Essentially, what all of this really comes down to -- my futile attempts to maintain control, this overprotection/hardening of my heart, my general skepticism -- is that I am actually distrusting God. I am not trusting him as my Good, Good Father who loves to give good gifts to his children. Instead, I am worried I'll ask for a fish and he'll give me a snake (see Matthew 7:10-11). In everything that's going on in my life (and there are some really beautiful things...opportunities to return to Italy...a new relationship...) there's this underlying fear that there's something lurking around the corner that will prove this isn't really good after all.
It'll fall through...It won't work out...I'll fail somehow...I'll make a mess of things..I'll end up disappointed or hurt...
About a week and a half ago, I found out my car was unsafe to drive and might cost several thousand dollars to fix if the issue wasn't covered under warranty. On top of that, the dealership told me they couldn't fix it for another couple of weeks. So, I was anxiously trying to figure out how I was going to go without a car for two weeks and worrying I would have to call out of work and other commitments and frustrated because it meant I would have to cancel a trip I was planning to go on that weekend. But, long story short, the Lord was so kind to me: I took the car into the dealership the next day and they called me in two hours to tell me the main issue was covered under warranty and they could probably fix it in the next few days. On top of that, my roommate was going out of town the exact days my car was supposed to be getting fixed and offered to let me drive her car. So I didn't have to change anything in my life around, really, even though I was without my car for a few days.
Additionally, I got my car back in time to come up to my hometown for Easter weekend and got to take a quick trip to visit my friend that I was supposed to see the weekend before. Before that car ride, I downloaded a Tim Keller sermon centered around Romans 8:28-39 called "Does God Control Everything?" because I knew I had a long drive ahead of me. By the end of it, I was in tears...so convicted by how little I truly believe that God is both completely good and in control. Here's the part that had me in tears:
"Don’t think of [the love of God] abstractly. Jesus is the love of God. In the garden in Gethsemane and on the cross, do you know what was happening?
All the greatest forces in the universe were arrayed against Jesus. And he could have stopped them. He could have stopped the rejection, he could have stopped the torture, he could have stopped the death, he could have stopped the rejection of his Father, he could have stopped eternal justice coming down on his head. All he had to do was give up on us. That's all he had to do. Just walk away...
Charles Spurgeon said, ‘Jesus Christ was up on the cross, bleeding, dying, looking down on the people betraying him, and forsaking him, and denying him, and in the greatest act of love in the history of the universe, HE STAYED!’
Bomb after bomb after bomb was coming down on Jesus Christ trying to get him to drop us... to separate him from us... And even Hell itself couldn’t do it. He stayed.
...If he wouldn’t abandon you then, he wont abandon you now. If he wouldn’t abandon you when Hell itself was coming down on him, if that didn’t separate his love from you do you think you having a bad week is gonna do it? Do you think there is anything that you can do that could destroy his love for you when that couldn’t do it? Or when bad things are happening to you all over and you say 'I must be abandoned!' If he didn’t abandon you there he isn’t going to abandon you now.
He spared not himself. The Father spared not his own Son. ... He gave us the ultimate gift and you think somehow that he is going to let your life go off the rails now? He’s not going to deny you anything you need.
This is the love you’ve been looking for all your life.”
He also said something to the effect of "if someone gave you a million-dollar gift, do you think they'd skimp on the wrapping paper?" Why do I believe that, even though God didn't spare his own Son but gave him up for me, he won't really graciously give me all things (Romans 8:32)? Why don't I live like I believe that all things (even things that don't feel good to me in the moment) work together for my good and his glory (Romans 8:28). Why is it so hard for me to believe that no breakup, no broken-down car, no broken bone or broken heart or broken promises or broken dreams could ever separate me from the love of my Father?
I heard recently that "if it's not good, it's not over." He's working it all together for good. Even if it doesn't feel like anything good could possibly come out of a certain situation, hold on...it's not over yet. There is hope. And we know how this story ultimately ends...in a place with no more tears and pain...in a place of pure joy and restoration and all-things-new (Revelation 21). And even before that grand finale, we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13). Hold on.
So I can believe good things are really good. I can trust him in that. I don't have to shield my heart from pain because he can and does redeem even that and use it for his good purposes. I don't have to have it all together or have it all figured out. I don't have to try to control everything, because I can trust the one who actually is in control.
As we prepare to celebrate the day that Jesus rose victorious over death, let us remember his great love for us. He will never leave us or forsake us. He went through Hell to save us. He willingly laid down his life...the perfect atoning sacrifice...when we were helpless to save ourselves. He didn't have to do it. We certainly didn't deserve to have him take our place and he certainly didn't deserve the suffering he endured for our sake. He could have saved himself at any point.
But, "in the greatest act of love in the history of the universe, he stayed."
Happy Easter!!
Your transparency in this one is palpable. Identifiable.To offer some encouragement: Christ is the Man/God of Miracles. Christ is the Man/God of impossibilities. It’s always amazing to hear and see great miracles in our own lives. Hope against all Hope. But, we are obligated to go through those scary and blind moments in order to see them. The great miracle of Christ’s resurrection is exalted by the fact that he had to die in order for the resurrection to happen. In order for something unbelievable to happen, an impossible situation must be first present. Death of Lazarus, Paul bitten by a venomous snake. Christ himself even let go of control in his crucifixion and death. I’m not saying you should make illogical decisions and expect Christ to do something, but maybe letting go of control over something in your prayers will open the path for Christ to work. I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you of the 1980 Miracle USA Hockey team, and Secretariat the Triple Crown Horse Winner. They communicate “impossibilities” in life, and how they succeeded. And if Christ does not bless something? Would you still worship him?
ReplyDeleteDaniel 3:16-18
Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”
Even if he does not, we still refuse to serve your gods.
I hope Christ clearly responds to your petitions.