I know it's a touchy subject (pun kind of intended).
This blog post was inspired by a conversion with a friend the other day who was curious why my boyfriend and I won't be staying together when he comes to visit me while I'm in Italy. It's a good question, and I know it seems unnatural or even borderline masochistic to the culture at large that a couple would practice such "self-deprivation" by not sleeping together. At the very least, I know most people would consider sex (a) just not a big deal or (b) that it would just be pragmatically and financially inconvenient not to live/stay together.
So, why wait? And what are we waiting for?
I feel like I fumbled my way through an explanation the other day and I've been thinking a lot about it ever since, so this is my attempt at a more well-thought-out response.
In this day and age, I would dare to guess that only "religious" people value reserving sex for marriage. But this is not a post about the sinfulness of sex or being prudish and straight-laced for the sake of being prudish and straight-laced or doing all the "right" things and not doing all the "wrong" things.
I want to argue, rather, that sex is beautiful and a purposefully-created gift to be enjoyed...in the context for which it was created.
I don't abstain from sex because I think lowly of it, but rather because I have a very high view of it. I like how John Piper describes it in a podcast on DesiringGod.com:
"We save sex for marriage precisely because sex is natural, and normal, and beautiful and so that we can keep it that way. So that it does not become common, and sordid, and manipulative, and diseased, and cheap, but precious, and personal, and clean, and sacred. You don’t put fences around weeds. You put fences around gardens. We don’t put our dirty socks under lock and key in the hotel room. We put our rings and our wallet in the safe. Holding sex until marriage doesn’t make it unnatural. It makes it priceless."
So, why only have a sexual relationship with the person you marry?
As I've reflected on it, I can see three main reasons that go beyond "the Bible says so" (which, by the way, it does [see 1 Cor. 6:18-20, 1 Thess. 4:3-5, Gal. 5:19-21, and Hebrews 13:4, just to name a few]).
First of all, science.
That's right. My first argument isn't even a "Christian" one. I actually read an article not long ago on Bustle.com about what sex does to your brain (which goes along with things I learned about brain chemistry and its relationship to emotions and addictive behaviors for my counseling degree). According to the article,
"Sleeping with someone can drudge up all sorts of actions and feelings you may not have even known you had — and that's because a lot goes on in your brain and your body that you might not even be aware of. There are a number of weird effects of sex on the brain, and knowing what these are can help you better understand why you feel the way you feel with someone. Not everyone reacts the same way after sex, but experts say there are certain hormones that are released and parts of the brain that are activated for most people when they get involved sexually with someone."
So what kind of things happen in the brain during/after sex?
1. Oxytocin ("often referred to as the cuddle hormone") is released, especially in women, making us more inclined to feel connected to someone.
2. The cerebellum (which processes emotion) is activated.
3. The neurotransmitter dopamine is released ("Dopamine is one of the brain chemicals involved in addiction – it tells us 'That was good, we liked that, we should do that again and feel good again.' We pursue activities that release dopamine to chase that 'high.'")
4. The hippocampus is engaged (which can affect memory).
5. The orbitofrontal cortex is shut down (which can can affect decision-making).
6. Vasopressin is released, making us feel attached ("Vasopressin (which is made in the hypothalamus) is released from the pituitary gland in the brain after sex. This hormone, which helps you regulate thirst, is also involved in the development of attachment. 'Specifically, increased vasopressin is correlated with devotion to and protection of the person you slept with and is believed to be the hormone that motivates us to be monogamous,' clinical psychologist Jennifer Sweeton, Psy.D., M.S., M.A. tells Bustle").
7. The neural pathway involved in social judgment turns off ("There's a reason you have a hard time producing a logical, analytical assessment of the person you slept with: the neural pathway involved in social judgment turns off. 'This is likely why we have the saying that "Love is blind,"' says Sweeton. Because of this, your focus may shift from thoughts to emotions").
On the one hand, what a beautiful thing!! (And perhaps even an argument in favor of a Creator behind the intricacy of intimacy...?). Things naturally happen in our bodies and brains that make us more attracted to and attached whoever we are intimately involved with. How wonderful if that is one person and that person is someone who has committed to love us for better or for worse and all that! There are literally hormones involved in (and designed to?) keep us committed to the person we are sleeping with.
On the other hand, what a terrifying thing if we habitually activate these chemical reactions with a person who might not be good for us or that will likely leave us eventually! I (unfortunately) personally know enough about how much harder intimacy outside of the commitment of marriage can make breakups. Because your brain does all these crazy (and cool!) things to make you feel more and more connected to that person. So when things end...yeah, it's painful and feels a bit like withdrawal. (Ever wondered why so many songs compare love to a drug?)
To quote Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage at length,
"The modern sexual revolution finds the idea of abstinence till marriage to be so unrealistic as to be ludicrous. In fact, many people believe it is psychologically unhealthy and harmful. Yet despite the contemporary incredulity, this has been the unquestioned uniform teaching of not only one but all of the Christian churches—Orthodox, Catholic, and Protestant.
The Bible does not counsel sexual abstinence before marriage because it has such a low view of sex but because it has such a lofty one. The Biblical view implies that sex outside of marriage is not just morally wrong but also personally harmful. If sex is designed to be part of making a covenant and experiencing that covenant’s renewal, then we should think of sex as an emotional “commitment apparatus.”
If sex is a method that God invented to do “whole life entrustment” and self-giving, it should not surprise us that sex makes us feel deeply connected to the other person, even when used wrongly. Unless you deliberately disable it, or through practice you numb the original impulse, sex makes you feel personally interwoven and joined to another human being, as you are literally physically joined. In the midst of sexual passion, you naturally want to say extravagant things such as, “I’ll always love you.”
Even if you are not legally married, you may find yourself quickly feeling marriage-like ties, feeling that the other person has obligations to you. But that other person has no legal, social, or moral responsibility to even call you back in the morning. This incongruity leads to jealousy and hurt feelings and obsessiveness if two people are having sex but are not married. It makes breaking up vastly harder than it should be. It leads many people to stay trapped in relationships that are not good because of a feeling of having (somehow) connected themselves.
Therefore, if you have sex outside marriage, you will have to steel yourself against sex’s power to soften your hear toward another person and make you more trusting. The problem is that, eventually, sex will lose its covenant-making power for you, even if you one day do get married. Ironically, then, sex outside of marriage eventually works backwards, making you less able to commit and trust another person."Science.
But is there another reason? A theological one?
Non-Christians could use an argument like the one above to choose not to have sex outside of marriage (in addition to the risk an unplanned pregnancy or STDs). But is there another reason that Christians in particular reserve sex for marriage?
(I'm realizing how long this post already is and feeling a little overwhelmed at all I could say on this subject, but I'll try to be concise.)
According to the Bible, God said it was not good for man to be alone and created woman as a helper fit for man (see Gen. 1-2). We see marriage in the opening chapters of the Bible!
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). (And did not the information about brain chemistry above argue that there is in fact some sort of "one flesh" thing happening during sex?)
Additionally, according to Christian belief, marriage isn't just something God himself instituted but it also points to something greater. In Ephesians 5, right after quoting the above verse from Genesis, Paul says, "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church" (Eph. 5:32).
In this love story to top all love stories (the truth of which all romance novels and fairytales are merely shadows?) the God of the universe chose to become like the beings he created, even though they had chosen created things over the Creator (see Romans 1). He came for reconciliation...to restore that broken relationship. He came and experienced everything humans experience and suffered everything humans suffer, to identify with us. He suffered and died in the place of those he loved...the ultimate sacrifice of laying down his life. But he didn't just die. That might be noble, but that would be devoid of power. Instead he proved his power by resurrecting himself from the dead, conquering death and freeing humanity from its hold on them and opening a way for eternal life for those who would accept his free gift (his proposal?) of salvation.
"For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." (Isaiah 54:5).
I realize and respect that those who do not believe in Jesus would not see marriage this way. But for those who claim to be followers of Christ, dare we defile one of the biggest and most obvious images he uses to reflect his relationship with us as believers? Will we really chose to step into the undertow of culture and our own desires and reject the prescriptions he has so clearly laid out for us in his Word? And if we do, is the Truth really in us at all? (See really all of 1 John, especially 1 John 1-2).
Lastly, I'm sure sex is great and all (and I hope a decade from now I can personally attest to how wonderfully binding and fulfilling it has been for years in my own marriage), but Jesus is better. His ways are better. If he created sex, I want it his way. Surely he knows better than I do how it should work. And HE is my hope...not whether or not I get married or how successful or "happy" or fulfilled sexually satisfied I feel. All those things (even marriage!) are temporary. But a breath in comparison to eternity.
And I know some are of the belief that we all just cease to exist when we die. And I guess if that is true it doesn't really matter what you do with your body and it doesn't even matter if I'm wrong about this whole God thing because when I die my body will turn to dust and that will be that.
But what if these crazy Christians actually have it right? What if you have a soul that will spend eternity (ETERNITY) somewhere? What if you really will have to answer to Someone someday for all the things you did and believed? (Thank God for grace, without which none of us would have hope!!)
The way I see it, the risk is high enough to at least consider these things.
I'll leave you with one last quote from John Piper as well as what we, as believers, have to look forward to when we see Christ (our bridegroom) face to face:
"Another reason we save sex till marriage is that marriage is a picture of the covenant between Christ and his Church. And sex in that picture is the most exquisite pointer in the covenant relationship to the indescribable pleasures that await our full fellowship with Christ, in the age to come, in covenant with Jesus. Sex outside marriage is a lie about Jesus and about his relationship to the Church. It is a lie about where ultimate joy is to be found."
"Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,
'Hallelujah!
For the Lord our Godthe Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory,for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure.''' (Rev. 19:6-8)
This is our hope. This is what we have to look forward to. And, like saving sex for the person we choose to commit to in marriage, it's worth waiting for.
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