all other ground is sinking sand.

To say this isn't what I expected would be the understatement of the century.

Of all the reasons to cancel a wedding, the possibility of a worldwide pandemic never even crossed my mind. 

Go figure, right?? 

But, here we are. I know the past few weeks have been crazy for everyone, but here's what the last two weeks or so have looked like for me:

March 13: Last day of working at the preschool before the governor of North Carolina mandated school closures (my school has continued to pay us, which is SO extravagantly gracious and generous and we are all so thankful!!!!).

March 15: As an anniversary/Valentine's Day gift, Glenn had bought us tickets to see Les Miserables...performance cancelled following the prohibition of large gatherings.

March 17: All restaurants begin operating takeout service only (Glenn and I have to have a meeting with a missions organization representative to talk through going overseas in my apartment instead). 

Somewhere between March 16-20: Move from denial that this could all go on long enough to affect our wedding to acceptance that we would likely not be able to have the 300-guest event we had planned and start to even get excited about a smaller, more intimate gathering and being able to livestream the ceremony so even more people could participate than would have originally been able to come anyway.

March 20-22: Enjoy a sweet time at the beach with my family and continue to work on wedding decorations with the hope that we would still be able to have some sort of ceremony/reception on May 23 with 50-100 people.

March 23: Governor of Virginia closes schools for the rest of the school year and limits legal gatherings to 10 or less until the end of April and travel agent calls to inform us that the resort where we had booked our stay for our honeymoon was closing until June 15.

Sometime between March 23-24: Give up on having anything May 23 and start to see it as just an arbitrary date at this point while starting to seriously consider getting married sooner (Glenn was already there haha) and looking at local honeymoon options (thankful for family members who are willing to let us stay in their mountain cabin for a few days!!!).

March 25: Read the news that Wake County (which eventually became North Carolina as a whole) was announcing a stay-at-home order the following day. Leave for my family's farm in Virginia to hunker down in wide open spaces. 

March 26: After hearing back from courthouses in Virginia and North Carolina with their uncertainty as to how long they would be able to remain open in the midst of all this, Glenn calls from work to say he is coming up to my hometown in Virginia so that we can get a marriage license the following day.

March 27: Go to the local courthouse to fill out the paperwork for a marriage license. Glenn drives back to Wake Forest, neither of us knowing for sure when we'll be able to be together in person again. Get a housing assignment from campus housing and a move-in date of May 1. 

March 28-30: still trying to logistically work out the details of how to 1) actually get married and 2) move into a place of our own when we are currently in different states and not supposed to (in North Carolina at least) leave our homes other than for a list of designated reasons (and we don't currently live in the same home!).

March 30: (note: I had pretty much written this entire post before this latest update) The governor of Virginia issues an order to stay at home (other than for a short list of reasons) until JUNE 10 (!), begging the question, "Is it legally permissible for us to leave our current homes to even get married?" These are hard times indeed. 

Several people have asked how we have processed through all of this and arrived at the decision to cancel the wedding on May 23 and (hopefully) actually get married sooner and have some sort of celebration later (possibly in September). Hopefully the above timeline provides some insight into all that!

Those are the facts. My feelings have been certainly on a journey through it all...from disbelief and indignation and a sense of entitlement and a clinched-fisted attitude to a more open-handed posture and a genuine peace from the Lord in the midst of uncertainty and instability. 

This hasn't coming without a grieving process. I, perhaps more than most, had big dreams for my wedding. I was looking forward to planning my wedding and putting those plans into action. I enjoyed getting to design the event and was working on making all sorts of chalkboards and DIY decorations. In college, I even wanted to BE a wedding planner and did an internship with a wedding planner my senior year! So when I say the Lord has given me peace, please read that as "miraculous, unlikely, unnatural, nothing-I-could-muster-on-my-own peace."

It may sound outlandish, but the burning away of all this dross--all the non-essentials of the wedding itself--has felt almost cleansing...It has left only the most important thing standing: my relationship with Glenn and our commitment to one another in marriage. And that genuinely feels stronger than ever...as we have become even more welded together as we are forced to make hard decisions together and communicate well with each other through it all (which, let me just tell you, learning to make decisions with another person is HARD). 

We know we could wait to get married and have our wedding when things are back to normal (though, really, who knows when that might be?). But wouldn't that demonstrate that we care less about our marriage itself and more about having our wedding the way we envisioned it? For us at least, being together (especially as the world seems to be falling apart around us), is more important than the frills and the trappings of the wedding. 

And yes, it literally took a global crisis to make me see that. 

But all of this, certainly, is SO much bigger than me and us and our wedding. I feel for all those affected...for small business owners and students who won't get to celebrate their accomplishments through a graduation ceremony and people who are watching their investments plummet and people losing their jobs and the people losing loved ones to the virus and experiencing symptoms of it themselves...for everyone whose plans have been shattered...for people who live alone and are isolated and lonely and dealing with deeper depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts (on that note, please reach out to your single friends)...for losses I haven't personally experienced or even considered...and yes, even for brides. 

And yet...

There is hope. There is joy. If we choose to take hold of it. 

I've been thinking a lot about what God might be up to in all this. This is a very tangible example of the philosophical "problem of evil," isn't it? In light of all that is happening, God is either not there, not in control, or not good...right?

I don't pretend to have all the answers or fully understand his plan in all this. But I still believe that God works all things for his glory and our ultimate good (Romans 8:28). And I am experientially learning that even if I try to plan my own way, it is the Lord's purpose that prevails (Proverbs 19:21). 

Maybe God is trying to teach us all something similar to what I'm learning as I let go of my wedding and focus on my relationship with the man he's calling me to marry. A wedding is not a bad thing. Neither are jobs or graduations or a thick financial cushion or independence or busyness. But I believe all of this is shining a spotlight on a few very important questions we are normally either too busy or too comfortable or too fulfilled to notice:

On what do you build your identity? Where do you find your security? Where do you find your hope?

My friend and former colleague, Paul Barth, who lives in Italy (and we all know how heartbreaking the situation is over there right now) posted this today, and I thought he put it all so perfectly:

"Yesterday, during family worship, we talked with the kids about the possibility of any 'good' coming from the coronavirus. Together, we concluded that in the face of this terrible tragedy, God might be teaching us the importance of family, teaching us how fragile we humans are, and healing the environment. It was a great conversation for us and hopefully for them as well. They are of course, acutely aware that this virus brings pain and sometimes death, but over the past month, perhaps Tracy and I haven’t done the best to explore and process with them how God could be using this for His good and for His purposes. 

For me personally, God is teaching me two things. Firstly, He’s reminding me of our mortality and fragility. We are here but for a little while on this planet and then, sometimes unexpectedly and unfortunately, we…aren’t. With the time we’ve been given, how to we spend it? With whom do we spend it? When life inevitably begins to escape us, how will we look back on it? Our time here is so brief that the Bible calls it a vapor, a wisp. One minute we’re here and the next, we’re gone. Being reminded of this reality during this terrible time isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Secondly, I think that God is using this period to destroy some of our idols. Shutting down a country and being forced to stay in isolation changes things for people. Who are we when the things we often place our identity, joy, and hope in, are removed from us? If your worth or identity is wrapped in your work or productivity, what is your purpose in life when that’s taken from you? What do you do when you can’t…do? If an overwhelming amount of your joy and happiness is derived from sports or entertainment in general, what are you when that’s gone? What do you delight in? If your hope and security are placed in wealth and treasures, what happens when you lose your job, when your 401k drops, when your forced to part ways with your things? 

Timothy Keller calls an idol anything that absorbs our heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give. Good things can become our idols when they become ultimate things. As this virus continues to affect our daily lives (perhaps irreversibly) and forces us to reexamine ourselves, our values, and our priorities, I pray that we find that only Christ satisfies the deepest longings and groanings of our heart. Despite all the fears, may we be reminded that only He is the anchor that holds in the storm. Despite all uncertainty, may we be reminded that both in the harvest and in the famine, only He gives us worth, purpose, hope, and security."

If nothing else, these times have proved that your hope and identity and satisfaction can't be found in your job or job description or your paycheck or your schedule or your self-built sense of purpose. With all that burned away, what remains?

It brings to mind the old hymn:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus' name

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand...

So friends, we have a choice: When all is said and done, will we be found faithful? Will we be bitter and angry and downcast (not that those feelings aren't legitimate...trust me, fellow Virginians, I'm not any happier than you are that we were just ordered to stay in our houses for the next two and a half months and my heart breaks for the many ways that many people will be negatively affected by this)? Will we spend the next however long frittering the time away on Facebook and Instagram (I saw a quote from John Piper recently that said, "One of the great uses of Twitter and Facebook will be to prove on the Last Day that prayerlessness was not from lack of time." OUCH.)? Or will we let the dross be burned away and let our characters be refined? Will we cling to Christ, our Living Hope (1 Peter 1:3-9) and our Solid Rock (Psalm 62:5-7) and our Anchor (Hebrews 6:19)? Will we look up and see our families...learn to take time to really play with our kids and share meals together and even give thanks for this gift of extra quality time? Will we take the time to pray for our world...for the people dying without Hope? Will we figure out how to love our neighbors and find ways to be together, even if we can't be together physically? Will we let ourselves be taught something about contentment in all circumstances (Philippians 4:11-13)?

I'm not saying it's an easy choice to make. And trust me, given everything I've just shared with you, I'm struggling to make it, too. 

But the choice is ours. 

Born Again to a Living Hope

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5 who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9 obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.