Living in another country is hard.
I'm tired all the time because I have to process information in a foreign language and I'm constantly meeting and talking to new people. Even going to the grocery store makes me a little anxious because I might not be able to find something or I may have to ask for help in Italian. Even something as seemingly simple as paying my cell phone bill can end up taking all afternoon. Courtney and I have different keys, so she's accidentally locked me inside the apartment a couple of times (true story). I also can't just hop in my car (because I don't have one) and drive somewhere (because I can't drive stick, and that's all they have here) so getting somewhere may take an hour on foot or by metro/bus, so it's just not possible to get a ton of things done in one day. And when I leave my house in the morning, I better not forget anything because there's a good chance I won't come back until late that night.
BUT. Living in another country is a blast.
I get to learn a new language. I'm constantly meeting and talking to new people. I'm learning so many eccentricities about this beautiful, quirky culture. People are generally friendly and go out of their way to help and spend time with me (several people have invited us for dinner, and just today one sweet friend gave us a list of free language programs she had researched for us as well as inexpensive hairdressers!). I laugh when I get locked in the apartment (because really…who else would that happen to?). Maybe not driving is a little inconvenient, but walking is great exercise and the metro only has two lines so it's super simple to navigate. And being so busy that I'm rarely home is preferable to being a bored, friendless recluse who sits in a dark corner of her bedroom nibbling on pizza bianca and watching American TV shows online.
So as I take a step back from the emotional roller coaster that is living overseas...analyzing the positives and negatives, frustrations and joys….one thing is certain:
Living in another country makes me (somewhat painfully) aware of my neediness.
I was talking recently with another American who just moved to Rome as well, and he said that is something that has struck him the most: It's human nature to shy away from weakness, submission or dependence. Neediness is seen as a negative quality. But living overseas makes it virtually impossible to deny our dependency. We have to ask for help. I depended on people to show me how to apply to, ya know, legally live here (which you have to do at the post office within eight days of arriving, by the way), to continually correct my language failures, to show me around this unfamiliar city, to teach me how to make Italian-style coffee and typical Roman pasta dishes…the list goes on.
But above all else, being here and feeling lonely and struggling with negativity and frustrations and homesickness reminds me every moment of how desperately I need the Lord. I know it would be impossible for me to survive the next two years without prayer and daily encouragement, fortification and just flat-out, straight-up truth from His Word.
And I want to go through life like that…being so thirsty for Him and His help and His truth alone and knowing that only He can truly satisfy my needs.
I love the imagery in Psalm 42: "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God." I imagine that feeling of coming back from a run and being so exhausted and thirsty that you drink a whole bottle of water without stopping to take a breath. I pray that my soul always thirsts for the living God, that I desire to be with Him and spend time with Him and with other believers. Anything else would leave me soul-sick and empty.
David wrote Psalm 63 when he was in the Desert of Judah, and it's such an encouragement to me when I feel like I'm in a "desert," emotionally or spiritually:
"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you though the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings…"
Gosh. I love that.
So yeah, living here is humbling. I feel dumb every day. I make mistakes constantly. I do not know it all. I'm never as kind or compassionate or selfless as I should be. Thank God for His grace and mercy and for that of the people around me.
But even on my worst, most self-depricating days, I can and do and MUST "sing in the shadow of His wings."
We're all human. We all have needs and desires. We all try to fill these little holes in our lives with something. But…
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." (Matthew 5:6)
So. Stay thirsty, my friends ;) And allow Him to fill you.
Love from Rome,
Elizabeth
