I apologize for my silence this semester.
Life has been fairly full, to say the least: living the full-time student life while working four part-time jobs and serving in different ministries at my church but still wanting to make people my top priority. It's a balancing act (or a juggling act...or both...), but it's been varied and interesting and instructive and fun!
So, since it's been about half a year, this blog post has been brewing for a while. As I sat down (or rather, went for a walk) to think about how to piece together some of the things God's been teaching me this semester, I realized there were two common threads:
Trust.
And Hope Reins.
It seems that the theme of my life this year is "trust." God seems to be asking me, through a smorgasbord of circumstances, "Do you trust me? Do you really? Do you fully, functionally believe I've got you and I'm working things together for your good?"
Unfortunately, I can typically only offer a tentatively affirmative response. At best.
I know I have trust issues. Turns out they're mostly with God.
So, God has been using one of my jobs, Hope Reins (a non-profit ministry that I LOVE that pairs rescued horses with kids in crisis to offer opportunities for True Hope and Real Healing -- knowing that can only truly come through a relationship with Christ), to give me my fair share of object lessons to teach me about trust over the past few months.
Don't worry. I've got several vignettes to prove it.
I'm an experiential, tactile learner. We probably all are, to some extent. If I experience an "Aha!" moment through something that I'm doing, what I learn from that experience lodges itself more securely in my psyche.
One of those experiences came during the intern orientation at Hope Reins. We did an activity in which we got to be the "session kids": We were each asked to set up our own obstacle representing an obstacle in our own lives and then we would work together to get the horse around the obstacle course without a halter or lead line. My obstacle was a cross-rail made out of pool noodles (that kept blowing away in the wind) that represented my fear of the unknown future. As a group, we decided the order in which we wanted to get Sparrow to go over each of our obstacles. I think mine might have been last. But, much to my surprise, Sparrow actually blew right through my obstacle without us even trying to get him to go over it as we were headed towards another one. I laughed as he barreled through the physical representation of all my anticipatory anxiety, giving me a memory I've reference time and time again when I need to be reminded to just relax and go with it.
"Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9
"The heart of man plans his way,
but the Lord established his steps." -Proverbs 16:9
[Do you trust me?]
Another big learning moment came during a training at Hope Reins shortly after that. We were focusing on one of the main things we (and especially our session kids, many of whom have been abandoned, neglected, or abused by people who are supposed to love, protect, and take care of them) can learn from horses: trust. So we had just spent an hour talking about trusting God and people and how it takes much longer to build trust than to break it and that God is the only one who is 100% trustworthy (And the Lord has since been pressing this truth into my heart: He is only 100% trustworthy if he is both 100% good and 100% in control. And he is.).
BUT.
As I was driving home that night, I was doing anything but trusting God with my situation...
Let me tell you about my house. I live in a house with four other women that was built in 1901 (and only has one bathroom). The walls are wonky and the floors are slightly slanted. There's a massive four-way fireplace that's blocked off, and I've always been curious about what's in there (dead bodies, perhaps). We've had issues with mold and mice (Yes...we caught about 10 mice in six months or so...one of which ate the York peppermint patties IN MY NIGHTSTAND and was hoarding Goldfish under my roommate's bed. But the exterminator came and we haven't seen a mouse in months. So it's fine.).
So, at the time, our landlord decided to do foundation work on our house...with us still living in it. Consequently, a massive dirt hole replaced our living room for a few days. So, as I was driving home from the trust training at Hope Reins that night, a million thoughts were running though my head: "I can't sleep there tonight...Where am I gonna stay? Can I even get in my room to pack a bag? My bedroom door is currently suspended about four feet off the ground!"
It finally occurred to me a few stoplights from home that, even after spending a solid hour talking about trusting in the Lord, I was just getting more and more tangled in my own anxious thoughts and had not even paused to pray.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6
[Do you trust me? Do you really?]
A few weeks later, I had my first 1:1 session at Hope Reins (something I was definitely nervous about and intimidated by...How could I lovingly speak truth into these kids' lives who had been through so much? How would I know the right things to say and do?).
But that night, God had much more to say to me than I did to the 11-year-old girl I was paired with.
Instead of working with the horses, she wanted to go fishing. This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am no fisherwoman. So I was just like, "Cool, guess I'll halfheartedly stand here with the fishing pole and talk to her while she hopefully catches something."
BUT. Much to my surprise (again), directly after a noteworthily pathetic "cast" (that was really just dropping my line in the water right in front of me), my bobber thing (?) dipped below the surface and I reeled in a fish! I laughed and squealed and thankfully got another session leader to help me get the little guy off the hook and actually held the thing before tossing it back into the pond.
Here again was an object lesson showing me what happens, "when fears are stilled, when strivings cease." Catching that fish had nothing (NOTHING) whatsoever to do with my own aptitude. He lovingly showed me that all my striving and my selfish pride in my own skill is ultimately all for nothing. I can't fix these kids' problems. I can't change hearts and minds. I can't make things happen the way I want them to happen. It is the Lord who does the work. He is 100% in control. And he is 100% good.
"Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain." -Psalm 127:1
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." -Exodus 14:14
[Do you trust me? Do you really? Do you fully, functionally believe I've got you?]
I'm gonna be honest. I'm tempted to end this post right there, because this last one hits a little too close to home. But in the interest of transparency and with the hope that this could resonate with someone else, I'll share what has potentially been the most impactful object lesson.
Vulnerable moment...I know "normal" means getting married in your early 20's and settling down and starting a family. White picket fence and all that. And a very substantial part of me wishes that had been my story...and 21-year-old me expected that to be my story. But that's about the time that God rocked my world and started writing a story that's been anything but conventional. And I wouldn't trade any of the things I've gotten to experience or the places I've gotten to go or the people I've loved (and sometimes lost). I know none of those things would have happened if I'd gotten married right out of college. So I don't regret any of it. And I am thankful. But I still want a ministry partner, lover, and best friend. I still want a family of my own. [By the way, if you've ever found out someone was not married and thought less of them for it or pitied them in some way that showed in your facial expression or offered some sort of platitude, patting them on the back and imploring them to just be patient...please just don't do any of those things. If you're interested in loving your unmarried friends better, let's talk. I have a lot of thoughts.]
So, for better or for worse, I've had a couple of failed almost-relationships this year (cue Meghan's Trainor's song, "Mr. Almost"). And I'm not gonna lie -- it's a little exhausting. Anyway, while still reeling from my most recent episode of not-quite-right (as in, the day after it ended), I had a training session and a 1:1 session at Hope Reins. And I did NOT want to go. How was I supposed to speak into these kids lives when I was feeling so hurt? How was I supposed to talk about how great God was when I didn't even want to talk to him...when I was mad at him and didn't even feel like he saw me or heard me or cared?
Well. As usual, God met me right in the middle of my pain. He used that training session (that turned into my own personal equine therapy session) to minister to me and remind me he is indeed "the God who sees me" (Genesis 16:13). He used a fellow session leader to speak that truth over me and a horse who chose me when some guy had rejected me (Kody followed me around the arena with no lead line -- away from the hay we had brought we us, and I got to ride him that night). Then I ended up working with Kody in several sessions that week and he was able to minister to other "session kids" as well. Not only that, but God has been using everything I've been feeling (and just being real: there have been a lot of emotions lately) to speak directly into the lives of two of my high school girls especially. Seriously. They've said things lately that I've just been like, "Yup...been there...that's exactly how I felt, like, last week." He knows. He sees. He cares. He carries.
"You have kept count of all my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
...in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can man to do me?" -Psalm 56:8,11
"Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and feed on faithfulness...
...be still before he Lord and wait patiently for him..." -Psalm 37:3,7
[Do you trust me? Do you really? Do you fully, functionally believe I've got you and I'm working things together for your good?]
I can see that he's using so many things to teach me about trust. I can see that he's not wasting any of this. Even though it's painful and heavy sometimes and this might not be what I would have chosen for myself...
He's 100% in control and he's 100% good. And he's not finished yet.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28
