fear / foundations / fish / faith

I apologize for my silence this semester.

Life has been fairly full, to say the least: living the full-time student life while working four part-time jobs and serving in different ministries at my church but still wanting to make people my top priority. It's a balancing act (or a juggling act...or both...), but it's been varied and interesting and instructive and fun!

So, since it's been about half a year, this blog post has been brewing for a while. As I sat down (or rather, went for a walk) to think about how to piece together some of the things God's been teaching me this semester, I realized there were two common threads:

Trust.

And Hope Reins.

It seems that the theme of my life this year is "trust." God seems to be asking me, through a smorgasbord of circumstances, "Do you trust me? Do you really? Do you fully, functionally believe I've got you and I'm working things together for your good?"

Unfortunately, I can typically only offer a tentatively affirmative response. At best. 

I know I have trust issues. Turns out they're mostly with God.

So, God has been using one of my jobs, Hope Reins (a non-profit ministry that I LOVE that pairs rescued horses with kids in crisis to offer opportunities for True Hope and Real Healing -- knowing that can only truly come through a relationship with Christ), to give me my fair share of object lessons to teach me about trust over the past few months. 

Don't worry. I've got several vignettes to prove it. 

I'm an experiential, tactile learner. We probably all are, to some extent. If I experience an "Aha!" moment through something that I'm doing, what I learn from that experience lodges itself more securely in my psyche. 

One of those experiences came during the intern orientation at Hope Reins. We did an activity in which we got to be the "session kids": We were each asked to set up our own obstacle representing an obstacle in our own lives and then we would work together to get the horse around the obstacle course without a halter or lead line. My obstacle was a cross-rail made out of pool noodles (that kept blowing away in the wind) that represented my fear of the unknown future. As a group, we decided the order in which we wanted to get Sparrow to go over each of our obstacles. I think mine might have been last. But, much to my surprise, Sparrow actually blew right through my obstacle without us even trying to get him to go over it as we were headed towards another one. I laughed as he barreled through the physical representation of all my anticipatory anxiety, giving me a memory I've reference time and time again when I need to be reminded to just relax and go with it.

"Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

"The heart of man plans his way,
but the Lord established his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

[Do you trust me?]

Another big learning moment came during a training at Hope Reins shortly after that. We were focusing on one of the main things we (and especially our session kids, many of whom have been abandoned, neglected, or abused by people who are supposed to love, protect, and take care of them) can learn from horses: trust. So we had just spent an hour talking about trusting God and people and how it takes much longer to build trust than to break it and that God is the only one who is 100% trustworthy (And the Lord has since been pressing this truth into my heart: He is only 100% trustworthy if he is both 100% good and 100% in control. And he is.).

BUT.

As I was driving home that night, I was doing anything but trusting God with my situation...

Let me tell you about my house. I live in a house with four other women that was built in 1901 (and only has one bathroom). The walls are wonky and the floors are slightly slanted. There's a massive four-way fireplace that's blocked off, and I've always been curious about what's in there (dead bodies, perhaps). We've had issues with mold and mice (Yes...we caught about 10 mice in six months or so...one of which ate the York peppermint patties IN MY NIGHTSTAND and was hoarding Goldfish under my roommate's bed. But the exterminator came and we haven't seen a mouse in months. So it's fine.).

So, at the time, our landlord decided to do foundation work on our house...with us still living in it. Consequently, a massive dirt hole replaced our living room for a few days. So, as I was driving home from the trust training at Hope Reins that night, a million thoughts were running though my head: "I can't sleep there tonight...Where am I gonna stay? Can I even get in my room to pack a bag? My bedroom door is currently suspended about four feet off the ground!"

It finally occurred to me a few stoplights from home that, even after spending a solid hour talking about trusting in the Lord, I was just getting more and more tangled in my own anxious thoughts and had not even paused to pray. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

[Do you trust me? Do you really?]

A few weeks later, I had my first 1:1 session at Hope Reins (something I was definitely nervous about and intimidated by...How could I lovingly speak truth into these kids' lives who had been through so much? How would I know the right things to say and do?).

But that night, God had much more to say to me than I did to the 11-year-old girl I was paired with. 

Instead of working with the horses, she wanted to go fishing. This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am no fisherwoman. So I was just like, "Cool, guess I'll halfheartedly stand here with the fishing pole and talk to her while she hopefully catches something."

BUT. Much to my surprise (again), directly after a noteworthily pathetic "cast" (that was really just dropping my line in the water right in front of me), my bobber thing (?) dipped below the surface and I reeled in a fish! I laughed and squealed and thankfully got another session leader to help me get the little guy off the hook and actually held the thing before tossing it back into the pond. 

Here again was an object lesson showing me what happens, "when fears are stilled, when strivings cease." Catching that fish had nothing (NOTHING) whatsoever to do with my own aptitude. He lovingly showed me that all my striving and my selfish pride in my own skill is ultimately all for nothing. I can't fix these kids' problems. I can't change hearts and minds. I can't make things happen the way I want them to happen. It is the Lord who does the work. He is 100% in control. And he is 100% good.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, 
those who build it labor in vain." -Psalm 127:1

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." -Exodus 14:14

[Do you trust me? Do you really? Do you fully, functionally believe I've got you?]

I'm gonna be honest. I'm tempted to end this post right there, because this last one hits a little too close to home. But in the interest of transparency and with the hope that this could resonate with someone else, I'll share what has potentially been the most impactful object lesson. 

Vulnerable moment...I know "normal" means getting married in your early 20's and settling down and starting a family. White picket fence and all that. And a very substantial part of me wishes that had been my story...and 21-year-old me expected that to be my story. But that's about the time that God rocked my world and started writing a story that's been anything but conventional. And I wouldn't trade any of the things I've gotten to experience or the places I've gotten to go or the people I've loved (and sometimes lost). I know none of those things would have happened if I'd gotten married right out of college. So I don't regret any of it. And I am thankful. But I still want a ministry partner, lover, and best friend. I still want a family of my own. [By the way, if you've ever found out someone was not married and thought less of them for it or pitied them in some way that showed in your facial expression or offered some sort of platitude, patting them on the back and imploring them to just be patient...please just don't do any of those things. If you're interested in loving your unmarried friends better, let's talk. I have a lot of thoughts.]

So, for better or for worse, I've had a couple of failed almost-relationships this year (cue Meghan's Trainor's song, "Mr. Almost"). And I'm not gonna lie -- it's a little exhausting. Anyway, while still reeling from my most recent episode of not-quite-right (as in, the day after it ended), I had a training session and a 1:1 session at Hope Reins. And I did NOT want to go. How was I supposed to speak into these kids lives when I was feeling so hurt? How was I supposed to talk about how great God was when I didn't even want to talk to him...when I was mad at him and didn't even feel like he saw me or heard me or cared?

Well. As usual, God met me right in the middle of my pain. He used that training session (that turned into my own personal equine therapy session) to minister to me and remind me he is indeed "the God who sees me" (Genesis 16:13). He used a fellow session leader to speak that truth over me and a horse who chose me when some guy had rejected me (Kody followed me around the arena with no lead line -- away from the hay we had brought we us, and I got to ride him that night). Then I ended up working with Kody in several sessions that week and he was able to minister to other "session kids" as well. Not only that, but God has been using everything I've been feeling (and just being real: there have been a lot of emotions lately) to speak directly into the lives of two of my high school girls especially. Seriously. They've said things lately that I've just been like, "Yup...been there...that's exactly how I felt, like, last week." He knows. He sees. He cares. He carries. 

"You have kept count of all my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
...in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can man to do me?" -Psalm 56:8,11

"Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and feed on faithfulness...
...be still before he Lord and wait patiently for him..." -Psalm 37:3,7

[Do you trust me? Do you really? Do you fully, functionally believe I've got you and I'm working things together for your good?]

I can see that he's using so many things to teach me about trust. I can see that he's not wasting any of this. Even though it's painful and heavy sometimes and this might not be what I would have chosen for myself...

He's 100% in control and he's 100% good. And he's not finished yet. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

advent[ure].

Did you know that there was an actual diagnosable condition for being sad in the winter?

Quite appropriately, its acronym is SAD -- Seasonal Affective Disorder -- and, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, it is "a type of depression that comes and goes with the seasons, typically starting in the late fall and early winter and going away during the spring and summer."

And I'm pretty sure I have it. Seriously. The doctor told me a couple of years ago I had a Vitamin D deficiency, which can be one of the causes of SAD. So there's that. And, I know many people would disagree with me, but I personally don't think there are many redeemable qualities about winter. I'm a baby about the cold, I hate that it gets dark so early, all of nature goes into hibernation mode, and snow may be pretty, but it's also pretty inconvenient. Give me sunshine and leaves and flowers and long days and beaches (and even the humidity) any day.

But whether or not you share my aversion to winter, do you ever feel like you're in the metaphorical "winter" of life? That the months of dark-gray vibes and shudder-worthy temperatures and "I can't put my arms down" layers (this....this is how I feel in winter) will never end and you ache for the coming of spring?

I've been listening to Hillsong's new song, "Seasons," a lot lately:

The lyrics in this song have really been resonating with me in this particular "season" of my life: a little over halfway through grad school, landing here shortly after ending an exciting/challenging season of living overseas, looking ahead and wondering what's beyond the bend in the road that is graduation...feeling like this is a training ground...a time of preparation for something...not really desiring to stay in this place/this season forever but hoping the future involves serving the Lord with the gifts and passions he's given me (and hopefully making money doing that because, ya know, that does help) and having a family of my own and possibly living overseas again. And the struggles of the single/dating life and being a full-time student with a plurality of part-time jobs is just so real. So these lyrics have met me right smack dab where I currently am:

Like the frost on a rose
Winter comes for us all
Oh how nature acquaints us
With the nature of patience...

Though the winter is long even richer
The harvest it brings
Though my waiting prolongs even greater
Your promise for me; like a seed
I believe that my season will come...

I can see the promise
I can see the future
You’re the God of seasons
I’m just in the winter
If all I know of harvest
Is that it’s worth my patience
Then if You’re not done working
God I’m not done waiting
You can see my promise
Even in the winter
Cause You’re the God of greatness
Even in a manger
For all I know of seasons
Is that You take Your time
You could have saved us in a second
Instead You sent a child...

Another season Christians are currently living is that of Advent. Advent means "a coming into being," and at Christmas, it is a season of waiting and anticipation for the celebration of Christ's first coming...and truly "coming into being" as a human child. As the song "Arrival" (another track on Hillsong's new Christmas album) perfectly puts it:

Who is God that He would take our frame
The artisan inside the paint
Or breathe the very air His breath sustains
The architect inside the plan...

Oh come now hail His arrival
The God of creation
Royalty robed in the flesh He created
Jesus the maker has made Himself known
All hail the infinite infant God...

The holy Word of God defined by name
The author climbed inside the page...

God embraced our frame
When He graced the world He made
All hail the divine in a manger
Love embraced our fate
When the playwright took the stage...

At Christmastime, we put ourselves in the nation of Israel's shoes in the anticipation of the arrival of their Servant King. In the cold and the dark and the seemingly dead, we eagerly await the dawning of the Light of the World. 

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light;
those who dwelt in the land of deep darkness, on them a light has dawned...
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulders,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 6:2,6).

"In the beginning was the Word, and the word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it....And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth" (John 1:1-5,14).

So Advent. A season of waiting. Of longing. Of anticipation.

But did you know that, etymologically speaking, the word "adventure" finds its roots in the Latin word for "advent"?

So what if we looked at the waiting/longing/winter seasons of our lives as an adventure? Because it is. All of it. Waiting for _________ does NOT mean you have to wait of joy. Not [yet] having __________ (insert "that job," "that house," "that spouse," "that baby") does NOT disqualifying you from going all in right where you are...serving God and loving the people right in front of you. Here. Not somewhere else. 

I read this quote from the ever-wise and well-spoken Elisabeth Elliot recently: "[This] job has been given to me to do. Therefore it is a gift. Therefore it is a privilege. Therefore it is an offering I may make to God. Therefore it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him ... Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God's way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness ... With Your help I will do it gladly, faithfully, and I will trust You to make me holy." 

Hence, while I love the song "Seasons," my beef with it is that it disregards (or at least discounts) the discipline of contentment in the here and now in favor of fixing our eyes on the future (perceived as "better") season. While we should (prayerfully) look forward in eager expectation for God to work wonders in our lives, we should not set our hopes on __________. While "Seasons" is honest about the angst and ache of the winter of waiting, we are not called to merely hibernate, putting out lives on pause until the warmth and light of spring dawns. We are called to "mak[e] the most of [our] time" (Ephesians 5:16).

We are in the in-between. Our King has already come, but we're not yet with him fully forever. So there is disappointment and brokenness and pain. But that Day is coming. That Restoration -- the "summer" season -- the "making all things new" promised in Revelation 21 is not far off.

So find the beauty in the bleak midwinter. In this time, perhaps, of heartache and hardship. In this period of waiting for ___________. Go play in the snow. Curl up by the fire. Drink all the hot chocolate and listen to all the Christmas music and wear lots of flannel. Rejoice "with exceeding great joy" (Matthew 2:20). And go and tell the world where True Hope/Peace/Joy can be found.

inspire.

I've wanted to write something about singleness for quite a while now.

But I'm not going to do that.

[However, if you will allow me a tangental paragraph or two, I do have a couple of thoughts: First of all, married friends...we unmarried (or perhaps not-yet-married) folks need you. We, especially if God does call us to be someone's husband/wife one day, need to be able to view marriage realistically now. And having honest conversations with you is the best way to avoid the pitfalls of unrealistic expectations or relationship-status idolatry or even an unhealthy fear/distaste for marriage. You can help us think about marriage rightly, with all its joys and challenges. Additionally, in the absence of a spouse and kids who share our last name, you (especially if you are members of the same church) are our family. I firmly believe that, in a very real sense, the church (the Body of Christ...the Family of God) fulfills God's promise to "set the lonely in families" (Psalm 68:6). Please remember us, both in your prayers and at your dinner tables and family gatherings...those of us who no longer live with our families of origin and do not (yet, perhaps) have families of our own. You have an amazing opportunity to "practice hospitality" (see Romans 12 and Hebrews 13) and have a profound impact on someone younger than you and in whose shoes you have probably walked.

Secondly, single friends...you need married friends. Don't do yourself the disservice of only ever spending time with people just like you. Submit to the godly wisdom of men and women who have been walking with the Lord longer than you have. I had the immense pleasure today of having lunch with two lovely ladies from my home church who are a couple of generations ahead of me. I've had the honor of hearing their stories and I have complete confidence that they pray for me daily. Single or married...you need people like this in your life. Seek these brothers and sisters out. In the same way, have your eyes and heart open to people younger than you in whom you can invest and walk alongside. You have no idea the influence you could have. Be available. Do life with people different from you in age, life stage, whatever...Keep learning from others and be someone that others can learn from. Don't get so wrapped up in your lack of marital relationship that you forget to invest in other important relationships.

Lastly, I read recently something Heath Lambert said that I found extremely helpful: "All temptation has at least two defining elements -- a trial and an enticement to sin. The trial is an experience of testing that often includes suffering or a sense of deprivation. The enticement consists of an allurement to relieve suffering or deprivation through sin." Single friends (or heck, anyone who feels like "If I only had ________, I'd really be happy.") don't give into the lie that God is withholding something from you or depriving you of something. Be very careful not to let a "sense of deprivation" lead you into temptation. Yes, the struggle of singleness is real (trust me, I get it...all aspects of it). And I'm not going to spend the rest of this post detailing the woes of the unwed because well...there are plenty of other books and blog posts about that. But please do be mindful of the your heart's orientation in this area. As John Calvin said, our hearts are "idol factories." Guard against allowing marriage to be such an idol. Instead, ask God to "tune [your] heart to sing his praise" and give you the grace to serve him and love others (you do NOT have to wait for a spouse to do that).]

Okay. There's that.

But what I really want to talk about is an article I read the other day by Leslie Ludy about how we, as women, can inspire men to biblical manhood (men, don't tune me out here. I'd also love to hear your thoughts about how you can inspire women to biblical womanhood). And yes, I am approaching this from a single person's perspective (married friends, hang with me; this applies to you too).

I say I'm writing from a single's perspective because I feel like I hear complaints about and qualms with and disappointments in the opposite gender far too often (on both sides). But ladies...how are we, as women of "strength and dignity" (Proverbs 31:25) calling men higher? Is it possible to live it such a way that we could challenge and encourage and edify our brothers, "spur[ring] one another on to love and good deeds"? 

So, instead of languishing over the lack of promising prospects (and shame on us for reducing each other to such), what if there were a more productive and positive perspective? Consider biblical examples of women doing this well: Esther, Ruth, Rahab (see Hebrews 11:31), Abigail influencing David (see 1 Samuel 25:32), Lydia influencing Paul (see Acts 16:15), and the godly wife in 1 Peter 3:1.

Again, these are pretty much straight out of the article, but here are four ways we can inspire and influence the men (or for men, the women) in our lives towards godliness: 

1. Know the Power of Prayer : Are you angsting over them or praying for them? Are you devoting yourself to prayer for your brothers (or sisters) and/or husbands, fathers, actual blood-related brothers, etc.? For their holiness, humility, wisdom, compassion, protection from temptation, that they would not be sidelined by pride, and for their intimacy with God? I remember being deeply convicted when I went to visit a friend of mine and saw prayers for her brother scribbled across her bathroom mirror. I knew I wasn't praying for Beau that way...or my brothers in the faith or my dad or my future husband. Now I try to be intentional to pray for these men, especially those in ministry who will surely face intense spiritual warfare. Will you join me?

2. Exchange Criticism for Encouragement : Newsflash! Nagging never works. Never. Are our words building men up or tearing them down? I was actually just talking to my dad about this blog post and I asked him how he thought women could best inspire/influence men, and he said words of encouragement are really powerful. Instead of nitpicking the negative, what would happen if we made pointing out the positive a priority? Could a word of affirmation encourage men to keep pursuing what they are doing well? I will be the first to admit that I have failed in this more than I have done it well, and if you are a guy reading this who has fallen victim to any scathing remarks or passive aggression, I am deeply sorry. I want to love you better in this way in the future! [As a caveat, single ladies (and gentlemen), we obviously need to be wise about how we pour out words of affirmation on people of the opposite gender with whom we are not pursuing a romantic relationship.]

3. Set an Inspiring Example : I think Leslie Ludy said it well, so I'm just going to quote her directly: "When women choose to embrace godly strength and dignity, it sets and inspiring example for today's men. When guys observe a woman who holds to a higher standard than the cheap, desperate femininity of our culture, he is intrigued. And often, he is motivated to become the kind of man who is worthy of that kind of woman's heart."

4. Choose Faith Over Despair : I'm going to change her wording here and say, "Make sure your faith isn't misplaced." Psalm 146:3 says, "Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation," and Psalm 118:8 says, "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Look to God and trust him to sanctify the men in your life and satisfy your soul; don't look to men to "save" you in some way. They will never live up to your expectations because you are placing them on a pedestal meant for God alone. As Ludy says, "Just as there are widespread problems with modern masculinity, there are also widespread problems with femininity. It is very dangerous to blame men as the prime culprits for all our cultural and relational woes. Men are not the problem -- sin is. And sin is something that each and every one of us has participated in -- male or female." 

May everything we think, say, and do be full of grace and dignity as we interact with and love those who are different from us. And to circle back around to the singleness thing... Single friends, what would it look like to meditate on and live out these things instead of letting our eyes forever flit back to our naked left hand and find our worth in who has or has not put a ring on it?

"And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." (1 Corinthians 7:17, the Message)

chick-fil-a sauce & the sovereignty of God.

I've been thinking a lot about God's sovereignty lately. 

[And, because I'm a word nerd, I just looked up what "sovereign" actually means. According to dictionary.com, it is an adjective meaning "having supreme rank, power, or authority," "preeminent," "indisputable," "being above all others in character, importance, excellence, etc." In case you were wondering.]

A couple of months ago, God used Chick-fil-a sauce to remind me of his sovereignty (his "power"... "authority"... "preeminence").

I was having a lunch meeting with my coworker at Hope Reins (the non-profit ministry where I currently work part time that uses horses as therapy for kids in crisis, which is itself an example of God's sovereignty! Seriously, I'll have to tell you sometime about how this opportunity came about...but I digress...), and I had picked up Chick-fil-a for us. But (gasp!) they had given us a minimal amount of Chick-fil-a sauce. But wait! My coworker happened to have a couple of packets in her car from when they had given her extra the day before. So she went out to her car to get them and was gone for a while. When she came back, she told me how she had run into one of the interns who she thought had already left for the day. But because my coworker unexpectedly went out to her car at that moment, she was able to talk to her about something tough she was going through and encourage her in that.

My coworker pointed me to God's providence in that moment: "Just think...If you hadn't asked if I wanted something from Chick-fil-a...and then if they had given you enough Chick-fil-a sauce...and if they hadn't given me extra the day before...that conversation never would have happened. Isn't it amazing how God was working to bring that conversation about even the day before it happened?"

I had a similar conversation the other day as I was FaceTiming with a friend from England that I had met in Italy. And he pointed out the crazy fact that if any of the intricate details that surrounded the formation of our friendship hadn't happened (such as, most notably, both moving to Rome within a month of each other and having mutual friends), we likely never would have met. And yet here we were...catching up on each other's lives and reminiscing about a beautiful shared season.

I think C.S. Lewis explains this best:

In friendship…we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another…the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting–any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every group of Christian friends, “Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.” The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.

I don't think either of the scenarios described above were mere accidents. Sheer chance. Just fate. No...I believe there's an Author of this story.

And what I believe about God's sovereignty affects how I view everything else...my salvation (Do I choose God or did he choose me before the foundation of the world? Does he initiate salvation or is it all up to me...whether or not I "make a decision for Christ"?)...my location and occupation (Does God call me to specific places and people and jobs, or is whatever and wherever I decide fine as long as I'm living "as unto the Lord"?)...my love life (Does God draw us [let's call that the ever-inexplicable "chemistry," shall we?] to a particular person with whom we could best serve him? Or does God not really care who we marry, as long as they share the same beliefs/values/goals?).

I've thought a lot about this in the past year or so. Partly because I wrote a 12-page research paper about "Can Prayer Change God's Will?" for a Theology class last year. And partly because I've internally and externally processed all the aforementioned questions. Many times. 

Because this question is much (MUCH) bigger than a blog post but I want to keep it brief...I'm going to do something I don't usually do: I'm going to share with you something I wrote in my prayer journal the other day (omitting, of course, some of the specifics...so you can relate it to those areas in your own life in which your faith in God's sovereignty might feel shaky and your prayers feel unanswered).

"Creator of the Universe,

Father. Bridegroom. Brother. Friend. Shepherd. Head. Servant. Lion. Lamb. 

Metaphors.
Echoes.
Traces.
Hints.

They're everywhere.

You created this world with built-in reflections of your character. So we could know you more. So we could have visible, tangible representations of our not-yet-seen God. 

But they're just dim reflections. Like looking in a smudged, broken mirror. That's all we have for now. But one day we'll see you up-close-and-personal. Face to face. No more veil. No more mirror. Full-on togetherness. Forever.

OH HOW I LONG FOR THAT DAY!

This world is beautiful, but it's so broken. It brings pleasure and pain. It fills up our senses, but it leaves us aching for the real thing. YOU are the real thing. You are the only permanent, whole, never-changing, fully-satisfying thing. You are perfectly complete and completely perfect in and of yourself.

OH GOD! Why am I always looking to the right and to the left? Why are my affections -- my heart -- so easily seduced? I cannot love you perfectly (yet) and yet you love me still. Why? I am so unworthy of your great grace.

Oh Lord...empty me. Fill me with yourself. Help my heart long for you only. What would that look like? To no longer chase the things of this world?

Oh Father. You know my heart. You know what distracts me most. You know what it longs for (but that I desperately don't want to want more than you). 

But you withhold no good thing. And you are a good, good Father. When I ask for bread, you won't give me a stone. Like the impudent neighbor and the persistent widow (Luke 11 and 18), you tell us to be bold enough to bother you!

So I'll keep coming before you. If for nothing else, just to be in your presence. Like a peasant coming before a king. Day after day. Eventually more or less forgetting what she was asking for but just coming to spend time with the king himself. And maybe that's why you don't give us what we want right away...because it is in the continual coming to you that our relationship with you grows. If you simply handed us our every whim, we'd skip obliviously away from you to revel in our latest treasure, only to come crawling back to you when we yearned for the next thing. 

But in not answering us right away, we are compelled to come before you consistently. In doing so, you call us to spend more time with you. You don't always answer us by granting our requests, but you answer us with yourself, with your character. And our hearts grow to love more deeply the thing (or person) for which we are praying. So if (in your timing) you see fit to open the floodgates and rain down the affirmative answer to our prayer, we will weep with joy and you are more greatly glorified than if we had prayed for it once and you were just a wish-granting genie-god. 

But you're not. You're bigger. You're sovereign. You know best. Better, higher ways and thoughts. Thank you. For not answering our prayers right away. For being bigger. Wiser. 

Sovereign. 

Help me to trust. Even in the aching. The waiting. The already but not yet..."


May we grow in our faith...seeing our waiting and our being still as an active act of trust in our Sovereign God. And may we have eyes to see how he is working all things together for his glory and our good. Even in something as small as a packet of Chick-fil-a sauce. 

musings on marriage.

So, this past semester I took a Marital and Pre-marital Counseling class for my degree. It's been my favorite class so far, and I've learned so much about interpersonal relationships in general and hopefully a great many things I'll be able to personally put into practice someday if God ever calls me to be someone's wife in addition to helping others to make steps toward healthier marriages. And I'm probably far too interested in marital relationship dynamics than is healthy for an unmarried person, but I'm just super fascinated by aspects of personality, communication styles, conflict resolution, the impact of family of origin, what makes a person tick and what makes people click and all that jazz. 

So anyway, one of our final assignments was to make a list of "Ten Key Truths" that we learned from taking the class. All these things have been incredibly helpful for me to reflect upon, so I thought you might like to meditate on these musings as well. [Also, married friends: PLEASE tell me what you think of these...In your experience, are these accurate? Do these things hold true? What additional key truths would you add to help educate we not-yet-married folk?]

1. God did not design marriage for your personal happiness but primarily for your growth in holiness. This idea is Gary Thomas’s thesis in his book, Sacred Marriage. Love and marriage are not about what your spouse can do for you and how he or she will fulfill you, satisfy you, or make you happy. Instead, God uses the challenges of marriage to chip away your rough edges and conform you more into the image of His Son. The refining fire of living in close relationship with another sinner is ultimately for His glory and your good. [Psalm 66:10-12, Zechariah 13:9, Romans 8:28]

2. The problem is not loving your spouse too much or not enough, but not loving God enough. Both Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage and Paul Tripp’s What Did You Expect? accentuate this idea. When you make an idol of your spouse, you expect your husband or wife to fill a role that only God can fill. You need to reorder your loves to love Him first, foremost, and with your whole heart, for He is a jealous God. In loving God more, you will be able to love and serve your spouse better without trying to make him or her your functional god, and you will not be disappointed and punish your spouse when he or she inevitably lets you down. [Deut. 6:5, Exodus 20:1-6, Habakkuk 2:18-20, Romans 1:25]

3. Love in marriage requires sacrifice and selflessness. Sometimes even the choice to marry someone has little to do with loving that person and more to do with loving yourself and how that person fits into your plans and ideals. According to Paul Tripp in What Did You Expect?, “Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving.” Even when your spouse falls short of your expectations, you are called to serve and die for this person. [Phil. 2:1-10, John 15:12-17, Ephesians 5:1-2 & 25]

4. Commitment is the anchor of marriage. According to Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage, "wedding vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of future love" and they "keep you from simply running out too quickly" or giving up when feelings fade. Commitment transforms a promise into reality and puts your words into action. Commitment says, “I choose to actively love you and fight for you, even if my feelings are telling me otherwise.” Commitment perseveres, whatever comes. Without choosing to commit to your spouse, you will find yourself trying to justify any reason to run when trials come. [1 Corinthians 13:7, Numbers 30:2, Ecclesiastes 5:1-7]

5. Healthy marital communication begins with your attitude and is impacted by how you approach the conversation, your differing communications styles, how well you listen to each other, and your level of emotional reactivity. Communication is less a matter of technique and more a matter of your attitude towards and perception of your spouse. Don’t let a negative relationship history or negative affect reciprocity perpetuate pessimism and disputes. Seek to communicate past the superficial levels of cliché, facts, and opinions, and dig deeper into feelings with honesty and vulnerability. Remember that good communication involves listening well, and according to H. Norman Wright, “Listening means that you’re trying to understand the feelings of the other and that you’re doing it for his or her sake.” [Romans 12:9-21, Luke 6:45, Colossians 4:6]

6. There is a level of intimacy that only comes through communicating through difficult issues. Even if and when conflict arises, do not despair or worry that you married the wrong person. Conflict is an opportunity for growth. In healthy couples, conflict can add energy to your marriage and bring you to a deeper level of intimacy than if you never had to work through difficult situations. Like working a muscle, communicating through disagreements and difficult decisions can be a relational strength-building exercise. So, in reality, conflict is evidence of God’s grace; He refuses to leave you in a mediocre, one-dimensional, carefree marriage but instead makes your relationship stronger and deeper through the tension, building character and endurance in each of you individually as well. [James 1:2-4, Colossians 3:12-17, 1 Peter 6-7, Romans 5:1-5]

7. Intimacy is about more than just sex, and plain-and-simple conversational intimacy is foundational and affects all levels of intimacy. There are five types of intimacy (conversational, physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual), and you can rarely have a healthy sex life without all five. You need to learn to communicate intimacy on all five levels, not just on a sexual level. There are also many barriers to intimacy, such as lack of knowledge or understanding about each other, habitual criticism, resentment, lack of trust, and failure to prioritize your spouse. You need to work to break down these barriers and strive for authentic vulnerability, because you can’t be defensive and vulnerable at the same time! Improving intimacy on all five levels will help your spouse feel safe enough to be vulnerable. [Genesis 2:25, 1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:7-21, Ephesians 4:1-3]

8. Perpetual problems rooted in personality differences can’t be “fixed” and don’t need to be “fixed.” We must learn to celebrate our differences. Remember that your way is not the “right” way. You were each created as unique individuals with particular personality traits. These differences can be a blessing if you learn to appreciate them and allow yourself to be stretched by pondering a perspective other than your own. You are better equipped to serve the Lord with your spouse because you can each balance out the other’s strengths and weaknesses. It is a great thing that you didn’t marry your clone, in which case one of you would be unnecessary! Leo Tolstoy summarizes it well in saying, “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.” [Psalm 139:13-16, 1 Corinthians 12]

9. Many issues in marriage are caused because spouses fail to properly understand and work through family of origin issues. When you and your spouse got married, you each brought a lifetime of family history, holiday traditions, doing things a certain way, and even the pain of unresolved familial issues. You must learn to “leave and cleave,” choosing your spouse and working together to create your own traditions and systems. [Gen. 2:24, Ephesians 5:31-33]

10. Marriage is hard work, but it’s not complicated. It’s not rocket science. But it does take disciplined and intentional effort. You’re never in more danger than when you allow yourself to coast. So, you have to work on your marriage, but you don’t have to constantly dissect it or over-analyze it. God is not a God of chaos or confusion, but He does call us to faithfulness, obedience, and diligence. [1 Corinthians 14:33, Matt. 11:25-30, Colossians 3:23-24]